God Chasin'!

2010-03-29T13:06:00.011+08:00

I havent blogged in ages. But today, as i worshipped. I felt God really speak to me. He revealed to me a chapter i never truly had understanding off.

Last night i was speaking to my cousin during dinner. She told me how much her boy meant to her, and how she could not lose him. I remembered, for three and a half plus years, i felt exactly the same about Julie. Than tragedy happened. We actually broke up. I remembered i missed her and wanted her back so much. During that time, the Holy Spirit was my comforter. As i sought after Him, as i trusted Him. God worked a miracle, even faraway in Thailand, circumstances swung in my favour, eventually i won her back. And i realised, my relationship with Julie is a subset of my relationship and walk with God, His vision, purpose & direction for my life. Not the other way round.

So this verse came to my mind. "He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it." We, or at least i used to wonder, does that mean i m gonna be a martyr, or someone is gonna stone me to death for my beliefs and i m gonna receive reward in heaven or i m gonna amazingly be resurrected by the power of God? I realise today, its more about consecration than anything else. I spent years of my life, holding on to things, chasing things that i could so easily have lost to circumstances, change, time. I m under no illusions, these things happen in life. Not that i dont love them or treasure the people & possessions that i have been blessed with, but i acknowledge i might not have them forever. But when i turned to Him, offered it all up to Him, i received more than i could ever imagine. Wad i could not understand as a 17 year old, i finally undertood.

So i decided to read the part of Matthew chapter 10 which this verse appeared in. The next part, was new to me.

Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’[e] He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Maybe some of us used to think. These verses mean, after i become a christian, i will ignore my parents & wad they say because they will become our enemies. I will listen to God and no one else. Or that becoming a christian will estrange ourselves from our family and we must go far far away to pursue wad God wants us to pursue. BUT that is completely utter rubbish.

When we live for Christ, we start to chase visions and dreams. Wad this passage presents instead is the realism and a foreword, that sometimes those closest to us, can be those hu least support us, because they do not understand. Just because they dont, doesnt mean that we abandon our dreams, abandon our vision, abandon our purpose.

Does that mean, we argue, scream, shout, run away from home then? Certainly not! We read on and it says 'he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.' Then we go, God, ur really funny. Or singaporeans would go, God, you very funny leh. Wad do u mean, first my family is my enemy, and if i love them more than u, i m not worthy, now dont carry cross also not worthy. HUH?! we dont understand.

Wad the word says is that, those closest to us, those hu mean alot to us, will not always understand when we pursue the dreams, visions & purpose that God has set for us. For us to abandon our dreams because of that, is something we shouldnt do. However, we dont come against those closest to us. But rather, carrying the cross is carrying the burden and hardship of loving Him fervently and loving people wholeheartedly. Its a tough thing to do, that we can only accomplish through His grace and strength. Each day, we continue to pursue our dreams, our visions and purpose, we continue to love those closest to us, respect those closest to us, build relationships with those close to us, even when they do not understand, even when they do not support us. and like Jesus, we strive on, carrying the cross, we strive on, to win their support, to win their salvation, the way Jesus won our hearts.

2010-02-03T11:29:00.005+08:00

well. i m thinking that i shud really start using the book that jiaxuan got us. so i shall add in my first 3 writings soon. Zep 3, Phil 2, Col 3 and finally today, Luke 14:27.

Somehow or rather. I always go back to this. Throw it in with the song Gethsamane. Through the months of prayer and fasting. i felt God give me a burden for society. especially the youth to those approaching early adulthood who are in the midst of the defining moments or the prime period of their lives.

But i feel that if i m ever gonna be able to live out this calling to impact them. I really gotta take up the cross and deny. Two really key words. Cross and deny. Both i realise, i m not entirely good at. Cross -> loving God and loving people. the burden of doing so, has never been one thats occurred to me. thats why my social circle is large but my inner circle is minute. my self formed busy schedules and fatigue always take me away from spending time with God. Deny. the things that i really like, keeping my cash to myself, certain pleasures that i constantly struggle with, lust, yes masturbation. i know they always rob me from my anointing, my power and my purpose. it seems like every time i engage in something i shouldnt be doing, i feel weak and restless after. then it leads me to my inability to do the former [Cross] and its all a vicious cycle.

but i listened to the song. and these lyrics remind me.
"Surrendered completely,
I find that I'm free
All that this world can hold
Will never hold me."

there is hope yet :)

"But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."
-Colossians 3:14-17

2010-01-02T13:56:00.007+08:00

how about a blog post on the second day of the new year!

lol. 2010 is gonna be my ord year. about time man. so totally cant wait. say goodbye to regimentation and hello to freedom!!

i didnt really have an ideal start to 2010. but each year is like a marathon. with high points and low points. as long as i focus on the goal and know that i m gonna get there. i ll just try my very best to make the most out of my process. i learned this last year and i wanna emphasize this once again. the end of a thing is always better than its beginning.

personally. i had a good time yesterday. when i first came. i pretty much thought the same way. i miss my old cell. these people have a different frequency. i dont feel like its my place. to me. all the more i gotta do something to holler at them and tell them "HEY PEOPLE!! I M IN DA HAUS!!" everyone always starts off as a nobody, especially in a new place and new people. if we find people that we can instantly click with, praise the Lord. but more often than not, it takes some time, some searching, some biting the bullet, hell load of adjustment and effort. maybe it all goes down to the fact that people react differently to things. for me, i was probably so starved socially in the early part of my life. i think all i needed was some direction, confidence and assurance to pursue that. liken it to the way i run. i may be dead shagged. but when i know that i m within touching distance of my goal, i like to sprint all i can. maybe others, they rather slow down the walk since they have already expounded so much energy and think its a matter of time before they get to the finish anyway. others maybe, they like to maintain a constant speed but they run faster than me on a consistent basis.

i hate army. but BMT always taught me. life doesnt always give u the luxury of time nor comfort. when i was there, i felt the people thought and behaved so differently from wad i was used to. idiotic, annoying or just plain different in preferences and lifestyle. i didnt like them, i didnt like it. worst bit, i was unfit so the activities around me made it even more difficult. i hardly contributed. after the first 3 days i even stopped trying to make friends. each time i went in, there was only one thought in my mind, the moment where i could finally depart from the company of these people. when i was told that our command school opportunities would be determined based on our performances, as well as our commander and peer appraisal, i was thinking, i was unfit when i came in, and i had to put in so much effort to achieve wad seemed so easy to everyone else. i was anonymous during my time here, people can barely remember me saying or doing anything significant. even the tug of war competition i was training for, i didnt attend it in the end cus i was on attend C. throw in my knee injury. that was how i ended up in 30 SCE. eventually i woke up and God blessed me with my current job.

but i have always considered. how different would it have been if i had gone to command school. i realised that relationships are the key to life. relationships first, performance later. i missed the boat cus i was forgettable, cus i decided that i was gonna be anti-social and negative. i always look at the officers around me. they get to plan things that are upscale. a certain person hu was my fellow exco memeber in council. he speaks to officers like an equal. officers speak to me like i m a small fry. he gets to handle things like being a part of planning more than just school camps and events. liaising with people in the real working world.

true i made the most out of my situation. but i will always wonder wad could have been. i miss the boat cus i chose wrongly.

my senior once said this to me that made me realize everything that happens, is my choice. i was j1 then.
he asked me, "why didnt u come to ACJC."
i was like, "they didnt wanna accept me."
he said "why? wad did u get?"
i replied "15 points, but minus cca and affiliation its 11 but ah wells."
and he then said "well. it was your choice in the end."
i was alittle agitated "WAD! why is it my choice. ACJC didnt accept me. its not like i didnt want to go there!"
and this line struck me the most "ya. you could have studied harder instead of playing wc3. in studying less than u shud have, u chose not to come to ACJC."

that exchange left me thinking and left me speechless. my bmt experience coupled with looking at the opportunities these officers get to grow in stature, especially those whom i considered my equals in jc. i told myself, if its cus of adaptation, people and relationships. i never want to miss the boat again.

2009-12-20T21:46:00.002+08:00

A very good evening to you all. To all my dearest readers. Haha. Few of you there may be. I would like to apologise for going AWOL on my blog. the lack of affordable internet access during my trip to thailand and being an extremely busy man enjoying my family gatherings and recent birthday celebrations, as well as a new found, steadily decreasing, mild addiction to dota. no thanks to the time spent playing in cresendo which i counted was only 6 hours btw. much less i m sure than everyone else hus pro enough to get at least 2 kills a game. lol.

well. first and foremost. my trip to thailand. this one was way way more tiring than the last. and i guess i totally lost my belief in the systems and the people hu run it. i had some fun here and there. i tried the food from those roadside little village stalls, gotta love the kuah chap with pigs blood [sounds gross, tastes awesome!], chicken plus roast pork plus char siew with rice with super imba chili garlic sauce, minced pork rice with loads of chili padi, coconut ice cream, mango glutinous rice. no wonder i gained 2 kg. did some shopping at Sai Yok Waterfall, Floating Market and Future Park, got quite abit of accessories. haha. not enough time tho. would really like to visit these places myself one day. those moments aside. i was pretty much sick of being ordered around by people hu are my superiors but technically not my bosses, being treated like wad i say is stupid even tho they end up following my proposed solutions anyway. thank God thats the last big thing that i ll have to do during my time as a COPA. apart from the 26th of Dec to 2nd of Jan minus, 27th Dec, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. i dont envisage myself spending more than 2 consecutive days in camp anymore.

anyway. since i got back really really late on the 8th. its been a blast!! my dearest Julie Ong greeted me at the airport!!

9th - Met Baby for lunch!! We had cheap and good rice!! now that i m blogging about it, i feel like having it again. haha.

10th & 11th - Had a driving lesson the first time in 4 weeks in the morning in the 10th. Went up to the PA Bungalow after. A yearly family thing where my uncle books it for a week so the family can get together. Heh. Went cycling alittle, recee-ed nice places along Pasir Ris Park, had a BBQ on the second night before i headed home! Had an outrageous and ridiculous soccer game with my cousins on the little grass patch as well. haha.

12th & 13th - Baby was coming up to hang out with me. So i met her at Kallang in the morning. We went down, bought newspapers [for some weird reason, the life sections was missing and we had 2 classifieds] and bread. hung out till we had TURKEY for lunch. haha. before we went off with my cousins to bowl and have bubble tea before a cycling session in the evening. baby spent the night and we shared the room with my grandma. haha. i was nice to wake up to her beside me. somewhat warm and fuzzy. or wen xing if u wanna say it in chinese. we went off to church on sunday evening before we had a meeting to discuss our cell appreciation. headed off to chinatown to get a plier for earrings [cus the silly girl realized that the metal parts off the wooden earrings i got her from thailand had rusted so she wanted to DIY replace them] i love her for always making the most out of was she has. had my first taste of KOI bubble tea.

14th - Met baby and we went off to have pepper lunch. Heh. Shopped alittle. After that i headed to secret recipe to get a cake for my cousin cus i couldnt join her for lunch. lol. i ended up being dragged to play some arcade games with her. haha. wadever made her happy la. but i got totally thrashed. haha. fancy a 20 year old being thrashed by a 11 year old.

15th - Pretty much slacked and recuperated at home for most of the day. Heh. Had a run in the morning tho. Went off to meet Sarah in the evening before we both headed for the Council BBQ. Most of the guys already ORD-ed. haha. patiently awaiting my turn. nevertheless. it was good to see the whole lot of them again. personally for me, i was never that close to my council members. and it felt awkward from time to time, even for the so called 'friendlier guys' like me. but i guess frens are great to have and u ll never make progress if u dont take steps. overall it was good. haha. even tho the rain killed our chances of BBQ and we had stir fried stuff instead.

16th - Once again, i spent the day at home resting. Threw in some time to exercise as well. Gotta increase my intensity to shed the kilos from Thailand. Went off to California Pizza Kitchen to have dinner with my aunts and my cousins. Haha. We had a great evening. I hung out with my cousins after that at cine. Its funny how we can all go out together and have fun even tho our ages are like 11, 14, 16, 20 and 30. but its all family and it was nice. the sedona torilla soup at CPK is really good. haha.

17th - I was at home in the morning before i went to meet Baby at Zara Liat Towers at 2pm. Heh. Last day of her internship and she was proudly showing me the excellent grade she got for her time in Club21. i m so proud of her for giving it her best and her all even tho it was cold and tough!! heh. we walked around Ion, spotted some nice clothes for me to splash my cash and Topman cus they were on 1/2 price sale. haha. but we sped off to Lido to catch Avatar. It was an awesome show. I really liked it. The CGI created loads of interesting animals and that kinda world so serene and beautiful just sucks u into it. But the CGI didnt interfere with the quality of the storyline which i thought was a pretty good way to spend 2 hours and 45 mins. haha. when Jake Sully said he fell in love the forest. i think at that point in time, so did most of us. I had buttered popcorn too!! which baby so nicely accomodated, saved some cash on the drinks and we had liang cha from home instead. the show was great. the company, was even more awesome. heh. we went to far east after to look for a cross her my baby's cousin Alex, but we didnt find any. and baby finally got me a bag. $149 from zara. i paid for 1/5 cus baby was on budget. but i was really touched cus baby doesnt usually spend that kinda money on me or herself for that matter or anyone. i really love the bag dear. LOL. i love it so much and i find it so nice that i she bu de carry it out and let the dirt in the air corrupt its newness. thanks babe!! In the end, we headed down to 313 Somerset for dinner. lol. we wanted marche but the queue was madness. literally, 30 plus people!! so we took off to vivo instead. heh. and the queue. there was no queue. even tho we only spent $33 on a budget dinner, the crepe and the rosti's along with salad and tomato basil soup was excellent. good value for money. haha. i was considering the meat. but i was thinking, i have a meat buffet with jared and matt coming up so, we ll take the crepe. heh. the blood orange apple juice was really nice as well. we hung around vivo. took photos. talked and spent some quality time together. i really enjoyed it. heh. finally around 11 plus. the mall was gonna close, so we went down to the riverside where baby presented me with 5 home baked cupcakes and a birthday song at 12 am sharp!! heh. baby's dad came over and she drove me back at 12 plus. it was an awesome way to start 18 December 2009!

18th - lol. i woke up to an empty house cus my parents were off for half a day's of work. baby. came down to meet me at zara where i bought my jacket [which i sadly returned in the end cus M was too tight and L was too long :(] we checked out perlini silver for a cross for Alex before i headed down to meet my parents in town while Julie went to meet her fren, Audrey for New Moon LOL. i had lunch at the Old Raffles Hotel near City Hall. according to my dad, its call China Palace or sth. haha. but the set lunch was awesome!! from the pork seaweed soup, to the tim sum, the oriental chicken and char siew, to the olive fried rice and the fish. hearty and awesome. haha. went down the shaw isetan with my mom to look for my pair of converse shoes. couldnt find it. silly salegirl had a really bad attitude. my mom was quite peeved with her. haha. in the end. i went down to bugis to get my shoes instead. my dad paid for it!! haha. awesome stuff!! totally unexpected!! i thought he would have asked me to pay for it myself since her already gave me an ang pao. haha. went back home. initially i kept friday night free cus i thought we would have cell group. i only knew cgm was off on the day itself and i told my parents i had evening plans. so i decided to meet baby!! heh. i was hoping jac and reagan would join us but they were too late and tired by the time they returned from JB. haha. they were celebrating jac's mom's birthday. heh. awesome day to celebrate a birthday. so baby and i went to eat at waruku before we headed down to wisma and then finally, we ended up at bugis cus i had to change the defective aldo accessories i bought earlier in the day. heh. visited diva where baby was memorized by the elephant accesories. lol. she was going crazy and she kept telling me how cute they all were. haha. i got u the ring from diva at vivo today dear!! we looked around topman. we sat at the fountain and admired the christmas tree for abit before we decided to take a look at the silver corner for couple rings. unfortunately, the designs we liked were out of sizes. rarr. next time i guess. it would have been nice to get rings to mark a new start and a different dimension as well as level in our relationship since i so stupidly and till today still kick myself over it, threw away the last one. ah wells. we went off to get a drink after before baby decided that she would come over to my area and take the bus home. i had a really nice time with her. heh. she started it awesome!! my parents took it up afew notches!! baby gave it a grandstand finish!! haha.

now i m lazy. tired and shagged. haha. so i shall continue blogging tmr!! cheers you people!!

2009-11-19T20:50:00.002+08:00

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

well. i kept thinking of the lyrics when i came back. i shud stop trying to sell myself and just try to love u. this whole trying to outdo that other guy and focus on wad the hell hes doing is just gonna drive me nuts. when i play soccer. i run down the flanks, i only know how to cut and feint, some say i m one dimensional, but i guess they dont count on my explosive pace and upper body strength. i ll just play to my strengths and wad i do best. i ll try to be better, but if the winger is trying to do outdo the striker in scoring goals, then he wont concentrate on wad hes best, whereas, if he does his thing on the flanks, and gets better and better there, he may just score quite afew goals.

well. i guess the song is right. i found wad i needed to find. and i guess for me now, its just all about consistency. for you, i guess u need convincing that i m the guy for you. taking care of you and loving you cannot be seasonal, it has gotta be a lifestyle. well. i guess most important is the spiritual aspect as well. i pray and i pray i ll constantly be reminded wad God spoke to me and wad Jac prayed over me during cell. but right now, i m on overdrive. haha. throw in the God factor on a more frequent basis. and like the army song goes. I M A STEAMROLLA BABY!! lol.

fired up is awesome. but getting too smug isnt. being sorta like a celebrity and knowing all the big shots, being able to converse and speak to them openly took alot of time, adapting, hard work & convincing of capabilities and trust. so i guess i shud stop going into other domains thinking that, since i have built something in one domain, it ll apply to all the others. current score goes, plus two, minus two.

2009-11-16T23:31:00.003+08:00

just a short word on QT today. i read judges 6 today cus i felt God leading me to the story of Gideon. initially. i read from verse 11. and i was wondering. why did God call Gideon a mighty man of valor??

so i read upwards. verses 4 to 6 spoke about how the produce and harvest of the Israelites were constantly taken away. they were made impoverish. they were constantly plundered and robbed by their enemies.

but Gideon was different. under a terebinth tree, he threshed wheat to hide the winepress. he treasured his produce and harvest, he is made special mention off, cus he was not robbed, nor plundered from. this shows that he was probably a very smart and resourceful guy. talents that God would later use to deliver Israel.

so wad is the definition of valor?
it is defined as the strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness : personal bravery; courage; prowess; intrepidity

heh. wow. wad a complement right.

and in verses 13 and 14. he asked God. if you are with me. why are all these things happening. and the Lord said "Have I not sent you?" Amen! its like we ask God, why this person so liddat or oh man, this person has problems, that sucks. God goes, "Have I not sent you?" Sometimes God allows a crisis into the lives of people close to us so that we can be a blessing. We were saved for good works, and we were called to be a people of love.

through the chapter. its just amazing. verses 15 and 16 shows he probably had a self esteem problem. but he was faithful nevertheless. he prayed and gave an offering [verses 18 to 21] and wad did God do, God gave him an encounter with Him and he built an alter calling it The-Lord-Of-Peace. As long as we are willing, God is able to take us and make us from a nobody into a somebody. he can take all your fears and insecurities and bring peace into your heart.

with this, Gideon did the will of God. even the unpopular. even the difficult. even when people rose against him. but the Lord lifted him up, eventually, people could see that the Spirit of God was upon him and people gathered behind him and others gathered to meet them.

what amazes me was the fleece story as well. most of us have encounters with God. or we think we do. before God can give us a complete and clear picture of His purpose and plans for us. We rush off to do His will without completely knowing wad it is. Each of us will have sure signs from the Lord when He tells us to move, when He calls us. before Gideon went out to fight the midianites, notice, he did this first, why, because he wanted to be sure he was walking in God's purpose and calling for him. He was willing and obedient, but knowing wad was at stake, he was not presumptuous of overzealous, rather he was patient, and waited for God's signs of conformation before he acted.

I wanna endeavour to be a Gideon, a man of valor, a man of patience, a man after God's calling and purpose. a man used by God to do great things. do you?

2009-11-15T17:52:00.002+08:00

i m just really thankful today.

yesterday i wasnt feeling good. i had a cough and a flu and headache. i was feeling mildly warm. and though perhaps my flu, fever cough combi that usually takes me out of action for 3 days was coming. so i told myself. wah. not bad. if i report sick after i book out. i can get 3 days of attend c. then tuesday i wont have to go back to camp to do duty since i m on leave on monday. then i thought. nah. its not very nice. i ll just ask if anyone wants to swoop. if not. i ll just do my duty. even if it means i cant spend the evening with julie. so i took redoxon and drank loads of water.

this morning. when i ended my duty. i was still feeling really crappy. in fact. my throat was worse and my nose was blocked and i had a migraine. so i was thinking. wah. liddat. how to serve. maybe i shouldnt serve. maybe i shouldnt attend service. i shud just go home and rest. but i was like. i ll just sleep awhile, then i ll serve and attend service. anyway. i wont have a chance to do that for the next 3 weeks since i m leaving for thailand. so i slept for 2 hours. woke up at 10. and flew to church from camp.

it was so interesting. the second i stepped into church. i stopped sneezing. and i stopped coughing. gradually. my headache left me. i still felt sore and blocked. but during service. i felt like everything was getting better. coupled with the herbal sweets that julie passed me. it was all the perfect remedy. thank God! and thank my dear future-girlfriend. :p

i thought pastor preached a great word today. haha. super relevant to how i have been feeling the entire week. anyway. during my own QT earlier this week, i just felt God calling me into a season of sowing into peoples' lives and striving to love them unconditionally. so i guess servanthood must be a good supplement to have. haha. i served today. was my second time. i was glad that i managed to help this guy out. he had been in church for about a month. chatted with him about church. helped him with choosing a bible. and recommended him some material that was on offer and would bless him. and i just love this feeling when u speak, two examples was when i was on the phone last night with julie and today in attributes, and u feel the spirit of God just come upon u. and as u speak and kinda listen to urself. u just go wow. and thank God that He is speaking thru u and that u can be a vessel that he can use.

well. i thought that today was one of the biggest complements i could receive. before we started serving. we prayed. before that, jiaxuan asked any two of us to pray today. so i was thinking. i wanna pray. i wanna confess the word of God. hopefully i can bless someone. so something stirred in my spirit and i prayed. it was short cus obviously i havent practiced alot and i need to pray more. but afterwards, while we were in the shop.
kelvin asked me, "hey, have u been in church for a long time."
i was like "yeah, pretty ok la. i think its about slightly more than 5 years now." and he was like, "hmm, i thought so."
then i was like "why do u ask?"
then he was like "cus of the way u pray. u pray like u have the dna of this church." and i just felt so blessed and touched.

like i was telling caleb during service when pastor kong told us to speak to our neighbours about our dreams.
1. Spiritually, i wanna grow in stature. so that i can carry a recognizable spirit of God, that can impact and bless those around me. that i can draw people unto me, whether its my friends, or strangers i speak to and serve or its my ex girlfriend whom i m trying to win back.
2. I wanna build a retail business that sells a lifestyle, rather than a product, that can influence the people of today, especially the youth.

i really hope. in the months ahead. i can draw closer to my dreams and my calling. most of all, i just wanna draw closer to God.

its been an awesome day!

2009-11-14T08:03:00.005+08:00

i m surprised how well my memory serves me from yesterdays trip on the bus. especially the former two tracks. the kinda music that befits the situation and tugs the heart strings.

u said to me last night. that it could be a matter of time before a person reverts to his old self. even tho the statement was made in reference to the other one, rather than me. i asked myself. so which is the real me. which is the season in which i m reverting to my true self?

but one thing is normal. one thing is a sure fact. apart from God, we only know how to live for ourselves. its a part of us that needs to be constantly renewed. when we find God. we find love. when we find love, in its most pure essence, from its unlimited source. its overwhelms us and flows out.

till then, we simply live in the loveless desert. with a vague idea of wad we are looking for. so deprived that our senses may fail us. but wasting away. hallucinating wad we want for wad something could really be. and therefore taking wadever that that can be taken. even if it just gives us a trace or ounce of wad we are looking for. even if, it ll hurt us. those out in the desert, might just take their chances on chewing the cactus. probably wad we call, looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong faces, in all the wrong phases.

so i listened to this song. i must say at least 8 times since my duty started. felt sad. definitely. but u know wad. when it all started out. before we both lost sight, turned into cactus es and started chewing each others' needles. it was because we had love from its most pure essence and source. it drew us together. and i m confident that it ll draw us back. so wad is the self i m reverting to?? wad is the self i wanna revert to? its the one that had love from its most pure essence and source. this is the season.

'There is nothing we can do to move past this'
'Our time has moved past us'

I m having none of it.
Revert to the first stanza.
And the rest of the lyrics,
Will never apply again,
I ll write my own remainder.

In doing so,
I m just gonna keep running.
And run like i never have before ...

2009-11-12T11:44:00.004+08:00

3 lines that reset and renewed my mood and perception for today.

its is better to give than to receive.
wad you reap, you shall sow.
if God is for you, who can be against you.

i remembered my conviction to myself that i ll pray in tongues when i feel troubled. so while i was praying. this just came to me. as long as i love. and i m willing to give. it shouldnt matter if i receive or not. cus love is unconditional. for if i sow love. i will reap love. it is a surefire principle in the natural as well as a promise from God. then i went. but shes sowing into his life also wad. then God kinda assured me. you have the Me factor He said. not in a competitive way or that i ll definitely triumph. but because of Him. i have the capacity to give and to love. and whether her decision is wad i would like or not. it ll work out for my good. He said. trust her. trust yourself. trust Me.

With You I am free
You give me no worries
Like the sun You warm my heart
And I'll follow You without a doubt

Now I face the future
Hand in hand with You
And Your Spirit freshens
My soul like waters new
You peace it stills
My busy mind
You are holding me

Everything works out for good
For those who love the Lord
So blessed am i with You
Always always always

I will not bow down
To this world
I will praise Your name
For You are worthy

Free by Christian City Church

2009-11-12T09:28:00.003+08:00

it ll be nice walking down, talking while soaking in the atmosphere and the spectacle of a christmas lit and decorated orchard road. on an evening when i wont have to think about work the next day, when i dont have to rush home for dinner or any other appointments. was never one for rushing.

i love the hugs. i love the hand holding. i love the kisses. i love spending time shopping. hanging out. but all these to me now, are representations of being a part of an enjoyable comfort zone. i appreciate them, but all i get is an ecstatic feel from having an exclusive privilege. i would still rather have them than not. but maybe as i grow older or perhaps now i just have a better idea of wad loving is all about or for some other reason i cant think off. i long for the deeper. the undivided attention of engaging spiritually and emotionally, the person hu ll hear about my dreams and hear about my plans, share with me her opinions and tell me likewise. a person hu ll speak into my life cus she loves, cares and wants me to be better. once upon a time, i didnt know this very essence, so i filled my gaps with the physical aspect. now i know. the physical wasnt meant to fill the gaps. it was meant to cover and re-enforce the fillings. like the popiah skin of the popiah. lol. i dont know if its cus we are in the re-enforcing stage. or that the other relationship just seems a tad more meaningful and is more evident of the above description. or maybe. the grass is just always greener. on the other side.

once again. i lament double standards.

but,
i m no one that i should ask,
i m the one who lost my chance.
hu do i have to blame,
but my own foolishness.

well. i ll be making thursday today as fruitful as i can.

1. come up with a list of things to buy when i get my birthday money
~~2. come up with a list of things i wanna sell when i do the flea market~~
~~3. start doing my accounts for this month with regards to my spending since payday 2 days ago and start budgeting for this month's spending and saving~~
4. go down to great world city and collect as well as pay for my moms present
~~5. embark on julie's present for when i go to thailand~~
~~6. roll out a fitness and diet plan to loose the tummy and carry out the first step in the park at about 5pm in the evening~~
~~7. lunch and spend time with my grandma~~
~~8. quiet time~~

off for a short dose of soccer then off to try and be fruitful.

2009-11-06T09:08:00.003+08:00

sigh. maybe i should forget about a $125 crystal and just buy her a book that ll teach her how to understanding me. its all retarded and it just shows a lack of thinking and understanding.

would it only make u happy if i m socially retarded and spiritually empty. cus i know many out there like that. and we can do a swop if u dont mind. i just dont understand. sigh.

i woke up this morning from a really stressful dream. i dreamt that i had 2 exams to take in a day. i think it was chemistry mcq and history or sth. chemistry paper for some weird reason was in the morning and 3 hours long. i dunno why they said we could do all we wanted with the paper. and that they would only collect it when the history paper started which was in the evening. for some weird reason, i did 1/4 of the questions and went off for tuition. i came back late and for some reason had to run from jurong east all the way to pjc. and i asked all my frens around me. they told me that they already completed their mcq questions. i was really flustered. then for some reason, while turning into the school gate, i saw this teacher hu was wearing a red 30 sce polo t and i had to stop and explain myself to him that i wasnt late and i m an old student coming back to take an exam. i finally reached the exam hall. and i realised that everyone was carrying othello and pride and prejudice instead. shit, it was literature paper, not history. in my dream, i was drenched in sweat. and i woke up.

i just felt so tired. but i couldnt get back to sleep. cus the second i woke up. my mind started racing. maybe thats how heath ledger started in his decline. i remember during and after my a levels, u kept telling me i had to go back to church. finally, i went back. now that i involve myself with bible study on wednesdays and cell group meetings on fridays. i still spend the monday, tuesday and thursday evenings at home if i m not in camp. i think that after wad happened in the earlier years of my time in church, i have learnt and have a much better idea about balance. but why is it that when i start to pursue spiritual things. u discourage me and u call them "nonsense", when it was the same u hu was desperate for me to return to church when i backslided.

and i sit here. hoping that people from camp will give me peace. cus i know that once my understudy comes and i sufficiently train him. i have at least a load of my problems off me. i thought i had a fren whom i could trust with my responsibilities since i was given the green light to finally clear my leaves and cus i have known him for close to 5 years, he is the most honest out of the lot and a spiritual person from church. but i was wrong.

well. as for the other issue. i really dont know wad to do. right now it feels very one sided. it probably wouldnt be an issue if i didnt have to face all the others. but put them all together and i feel so tired and lost. but i ll persevere on in belief that one day it will no longer be so. if the other one that u were falling in love with could help me, i would be more at ease. but he lives erratically. i know i m not there yet, but it makes it more of a reason why i cannot afford to fall and fail spiritually.

first the issues, then the annoyances. when i have times like these. the temptation is always to go back to that old habit. right now, its no longer a habit. its just moments of weakness where i must pick myself up from, recover and strive to be stronger from so that i can remove even these moments, i dont want that to ever control me again.

my shoulders and neck ache again. dont really like the tension, the cramped and suffocated feeling. i feel like i m going thru the darkest valley in my life. God, when will i see the end in this trail of darkness.

2009-11-05T14:41:00.008+08:00

heh. its another nice rainy afternoon. without the sun. a good thing. especially since i intend to run at 5pm. i told myself that i need to start clocking between 18 to 21km a week, hit a maximum chin up score of 15 and i ll be happy with my fitness levels. gotta work hard. gotta work hard. my grandma kept telling me i m skinny. i told her, look at my tummy fat. not there yet la. haha. and even tho since i enlisted, i went from 77kg to 64kg, but i think i m more toned then skinny. upperbody and legs wise. i think i m ok. just tummy wise. i m flabby. not to sound ego or anything. its just a fact. i hope my knee doesnt give me any more trouble tho. its feeling pretty fine today.

took a trip down to forum today. walked around toys r us. i looked at the transformer toys and the power ranger lines. somehow, the megazords nowadays look so plastic and the designs lack creativity, the names leopard, jaguar, tiger, bat, shark and elephant rangers sound rather weird. i think we prefer the old school coloured names. heh. and the transformers have like wierd action figures that look small and rubber-like. they seem a far cry from the transformer toys i played with when i was a kid. i used to love the older generation transformers and the beast wars haha. i think i stopped being interested in power rangers after the zeo rangers series if i m not wrong. still, it was interesting to take a look at wads being offered to the kids of today.

well. i didnt actually feel that my time down to town today was wasted even tho my primary objective to meet her for lunch didnt come to pass. i was just thinking. a woman was made to be a life giver. like a sponge, she ll take wadever is around her, her husband, her work, her work environment and do her best to add value to it. if i got angry that she wouldnt meet me, or i demanded that she hang out with me. there would only be negative consequences. i would put her in a negative state of mind, disallowing her from carrying thru her purpose. and i would restrict her sphere of influence to only myself. furthermore, because of the former consequence i mentioned, her sphere of positive influence on me would also be limited. therefore, since she is the life giver. i wanna love her, and make her a reflection of love. rather than suffocate her and disrupt her life giving capacity. thats pretty much why, the old me would have been disappointed and grouchy. but today, i just felt that i shud be proud that she knows wads important apart from me. its not like it was an emergency situation and i shud learn to understand. it was all good in the end. the car runs on petrol, lets try not to feed it water ya.

then i wanted to look up reagan. but the fella must be busy meeting his sales targets. haha. so he rejected my call. i couldnt believe that after 3 pieces of kueh and a filet o fish meal. i was still thinking of bubble tea. lol. someone shoot me. but as i walked past wheelock on my way to the bus stop to get home. i was thinking. for the girl i love. i can travel down to town everyday. for my fren reagan and my leader jac. i would be willing to come down to town or even novena to have lunch or to fellowship with them. wad about my family.

my mom works at wheelock. thats like coming down to town to meet julie, minus the walk across the carpark and up the stairs. why have i never thought about meeting her for lunch. my grandma lives in the next block. i ought to make an effort to spend time with her one of the afternoons rather than go over only when theres dinner or on sunday evenings.

when i went to visit her today, she was eating instant noodles with roast duck for lunch. i asked her, why didnt u call me to buy lunch for u. she replied. when i call u, ur always not at home. then i was like, u can call my handphone wad, then she replied, scared i call ur handphone ur watching movie or sth. then i was like, next time u have no lunch, just call me k, even if i m in a movie, my phone ll be silent so u wont be disturbing.

i felt quite ashamed that i have never really made myself available for them. only spending time with them when its convenient. God didnt just give me the capacity to love the girl he has blessed me with nor did he only give me the capacity to love my friends. he gave me a capacity to love everyone in my life, including my family. so i decided i will. heh.

i m on leave next wednesday, thursday and friday and i ll be booking out on tuesday evening.

so here goes.
tuesday evening - dinner with matthew
wednesday lunchtime - meet my mom for lunch
wednesday evening - bible study
thursday lunchtime - open slot for huever asks me out
thursday evening - be home for dinner
friday lunchtime - buy lunch to my grandma
friday evening - probably cell group meeting before going back to camp

that will be the basic structure that i shall live by next week. heh.

i realise wads best about being home and being alone and being on leave is not that i can nua and slack and do nothing. cus i believe that each of us have an inner desire to always be fruitful and productive. we just cant be couch potatoes all day long cus sooner or later we ll start to feel empty. once in awhile, we do rest cus we have to. but God created in each of us a desire for purpose and direction. i realise, wad i like most about being at home, is that, there aint pressure, i m no longer subjected to the pace of life. i can do things at my own pace. i think thats awesome. and thats why i think, once in awhile, we need that alone time. to retreat. to find perspective, purpose and direction. to recharge. and when we are ready. back out into the world.

ok. now for a short rest / nap. one chapter of illustrator then my run.

2009-11-04T22:35:00.002+08:00

heh. i must say i m super shagged. i have been having an awesome last two days.

indeed. when u love someone and u strive to give ur utmost to that person. u see that person starting to feel happier, more at ease and starting to go about doing what she does best. it really makes all the energy and not to mention sometimes the cash worth it. all the hugs and kisses, while awesome, are bonuses.

yea. but thats wads making me troubled. after reading myles monroe's awesome book and after living in God's love over the last few weeks. it just doesnt feel right if i dont give of myself or my love to someone hu means something to me. like wad i told myself, hu she chooses in the end is of secondary importance to me. i just want her to be happy and to find God once more. today, i felt alittle tired. alittle drained. but i dont want her to go thru a day without her knowing that i love her. i want more capacity to love.

2009-11-01T21:25:00.006+08:00

life is likened to reading a book. having read up to this point, we now know how to best approach and prepare ourselves to read on for the chapters ahead.

i m sure that everyone of us has read a book before. life being so much like a book is the same reason why people write autobiographies and then lengthen these autobiographies with updates from time to time. we realise that, as we progress, page by page, chapter by chapter. things become more familiar. characters grow and develop. we begin to have a fuller and more complete picture. we attain greater understanding. and therefore, we can expect, anticipate and handle the events of the upcoming chapters.

so today on the cab home. i was kinda thinking.

apart from the God factor. wad made me all i m today? actually. failure has made me all i am today. everyday. i feel like an incomplete programme, patching myself day by day by day.

when did i make the decision to be sociable. it was in sec 3. why. cus i was always the quiet one in the group. the one hu always struggled to think of something to say. on occasions, where i did have something to say. i would never, out of fear that i would embarrass myself or sound stupid. my best frens at that time, marcus, jared. they were all social butterflies. time taken before change was visible. 2 years. conclusion. a wider social circle in jc. a more outspoken me.

when i went into army. i aspired to be a commander. my dream fell apart 3 days into bmt. why. the people were a far cry from those i knew and those i wanted to know. therefore, i was disgruntled, bitter, resentful. that made me accomplish nothing. in church. i asked myself. remember that bmt experience. remember how it felt. i told myself. u must never shy away from people again. u have ur preferences, but u must open up, interact with all. cus in ur hardest situations. u will always need the support of others. no man is an island and even if he was, theres always the risk of being engulfed by the tsunamis of life. time it took to realise that. one half years. conclusion. it was worth the while, the hardship and the awkward moments.

the experiences of yesteryear have influenced the most current decisions to make the not yet seen conclusions come to pass.

i always loved this song. always reminds me.

It feels like your life's crashing down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad
Look at the world in it's suffering
Can you honestly tell me that know one else could understand
All the hurting inside

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

A young child looks through a great stained glass window
Watching the people go by
Everyone seems to be wearing a red coat
His mother sees jackets in white
Now he can't understand why does she see it this way

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

Yesterday, you really couldn't see
By changing your angle a new world would be
Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees

Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same

Perspectives by Kutless

well i was telling reagan. i cant go all boom boom pow like i used to on her. i have to realise that there are somethings that i shud not say. cus shes not ready to listen. women were made emotional. and men were made to try and understand them.

honestly. with each passing hurt. i feel like my muscle for adversity is being stretched. all of us know. when we really work out. our muscles are bound to feel sore or they ll tend to ache. actually, its cus when we work out, our muscles get damaged, they bleed and swell. but they recover to become stronger and more resilient. recently. perhaps lifes been working me quite abit. i bleed, i feel broken, but i grow stronger.

today. for a moment. i entertained the possibility of being with someone else. my heart had violent objections. i know my dreams. and i know that, this, is definitely one of them. let me grow to be ur leader, ur king and ur priest. maybe in time, u ll be my support. cus while we together. i always thought u would complete me.

first time i served today. it was interesting. to see if i would take off just to chase. to see if i would pull a long face cus of my disappointment. but i stood first behind the material, with a smile and speaking to customers. my conclusion. i know wads important to me. but i know wad my priorities are. the same reason why after i was sure my work was done. the first person i wanted to meet, was you.

well. today i sat there. looking at one of the random books in attributes. i asked God. wad about her. God reminded me about Jehoshaphat. he was a man called by God with great potential, calling and exploits, however, close relationships with the people who did not fear God led to his downfall. God did tell him, but it was his choice in the end. so i kinda felt Him tell me, just care about her like u always would, but do ur thing and do the things that I want you to do and leave Me to take care of her and the rest. at the end of the day, wadever happens comes down to the choices that she ll make. and u can do nothing about it.

2009-10-27T00:28:00.002+08:00

Psalm 43

Prayer to God in Time of Trouble

Vindicate me, O God,
And plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
Oh, deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!

For You are the God of my strength;
Why do You cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.

Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God.

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

2009-10-25T21:16:00.008+08:00

well. today was an interesting day. after last night. i was thinking. why m i still holding on. why do i still harbour hope. afterall. wad we used to have is dead and gone. a real thing of the past. moving on. people change. situations and circumstances change. its inevitable. why do i spend so much energy trying to win something back. i shud expound my energy on things more worthwhile right. even in the rigours of camp life. at least i know i have a boss hu says thanks. even if i spend times with my frens and with the cell group and i know that i ll never have anyone mutually exclusive in a sense of having a relationship. but when u sum it all together, i know i m loved, supported and appreciated. this environment is the best to grow in. i dont wanna be subject to abuse and rejection any longer.

so i told myself. i ll take wad u wanna give. but i ll not go out of my way or think up any more grand ideas. i felt. ok. maybe its time to really treat u like a fren. maybe its time to go back in time. to remember the day u and i went to shop for matthews present. wad the relationship was like back then. and start all over. so i packed up wad i felt would sway for conviction. i didnt pack everything u gave me, but i packed all the love letters and notes, the cresendo book, the birthday cards, the photo albums, all the more special gifts like the ring, the dog tag, the couple necklace, the neoprints, orangey, those that in particular would stir my heart and retrive any sentiments. i decided i wanted to return them to u till one day when i can look at u and know that i have no lingering feelings that ll hurt you or hurt myself, then i want everything back for keepsake. but u took it the wrong way. sometimes i totally dont understand the way u react. maybe one day, when time has run its full course, u can explain to me in a more calm manner. maybe in the future, when i grow and learn to comprehend women more, i ll see the error in that action.

so i went to church. the plastic bag full of stuff. it went into the bin. i was thinking to myself. i dont wanna lug this all back and feel sad about it. i really wanted to move on. neither did i want to show a third party and have that person reading this and going wow, u guys were so much in love then. believe me. i know we used to be in love. lol. so i thought. if i m gonna dispose of it. i ll dispose of it all, in the house of God and i ll leave it all in His hands.

during praise and worship earlier. God showed me a picture of a kid riding a bike. He said, when u started out, I was always there to hold you. But after awhile, I had to let go and let you ride on ur own. But when u fell down, i was there to pick you up. I was and will always be there for you. But all the days of ur life, i dont just want u to be learning how to ride the bike. you have to be telling everyone about ur learning experience of this ride, and implore them to engage in this learning process as well. interesting.

i went down for service. Pastor preached a word. After awhile i just stopped writing notes. i just listened cus i felt God was starting to speak, to move. indeed. while pastor was speaking. God just spoke to me. remember three and a half years ago. when u first wanted to get together with her. you were told to wait. I know that a relationship was a good and uplifting thing, and thats how I purpose all relationships to be. but back then, u didnt understand alot of things in the spirit. u were like the people of israel. having been a church and having a spiritual family, u were receiving my daily manna and provision. u arrived at the mountain of sinai, where i asked you to wait upon me. but u wanted ur canaan so much. i gave you your canaan. but steadily, u realised i was no longer with u. your milk soon turned sour and ur honey eventually turned bad. even though i gave u your promise land, the desires of your heart, eventually you were like the children of israel. u realised afterawhile, there was no longer an objection to ur relationship. u were living so much in the blessing, that you totally forgot abour your relationship with Me, that you turned away from my word and my ways. it turned out this way, because you were not a true worshipper, because it became a relationship plus one. but i tell you all these not to hurt you or make you sadder, but so u ll understand.

it occurred to me so so much for the first time in years. i wept and wept. really. the love that You have shown me in the last weeks are beyond any i have felt in my life. it was knowledge. but now. it has becomed my experience and Revelation. immediately, i saw a sanctuary like the one in final fantasy revenant wings. haha. and He told me. i will give you peace.

the last month. i was fighting and i was hurting. the last month. i found You. i was finally broken. i thank You. Your joy is my strength. now, i m ready to move forward.

because i lacked understanding, but you made me understand. but now i understand, even though it took awhile. i release it all. and i ll not bother me anymore.

went for lunch after. i had a conversation with caleb, then yongling, then jac. went to jurong point to hang out with grace and kaixin. i m glad that, once again, i find myself at mount sinai. once again, i find myself in the wilderness. but there ll be no more golden calf. i ll wait and worship. my priority is You.

2009-09-27T17:58:00.004+08:00

http://www.PenserPensarePendere.blogspot.com

shifting over my the time being.

cheers,
Me

2009-09-24T16:27:00.003+08:00

sometimes i d like to ask myself. wad m i. i wonder if u still read my blog. if u do. could i have a message just to know. i usually prefer answers to my questions that dont include grey areas.

i wish i maintained a more vibrant social life. maybe it would help me get over this better. maybe its cus i dont have much of a social life. thats why i m feeling this way. i hate the sian feeling that the hot sun usually brings when it shines into my room, feels lonely too. sometimes i feel like my office and i. my own little world. abit enigmatic. i enjoy my private domain but i equally loathe it.

all i feel like doing now is playing soccer and drowning myself in linkin park.

sadly, after points of authority. my december started making me feel more emo.

the imagery that played out in my mind, u in a dress or the stylish look thats becoming synonymous with u. sitting on a high stool, in a dimly lit place of classy ambience, an expensive drink that he would have paid for unless u insisted on dutch. enjoying conversation, smiling, getting home late cus u went out with a member of the opposite sex. its irks me, that the experience is not one thats being shared with me.

maybe its the kinda aggression that frustrates u, pisses u off or scares u. but if i play tmr, and he was my opponent. i regret to inform u that he ll be eating alot of grass [thats probably my best efforts to sound mild], no guarantees he ll come off the field with both feet intact even tho that ll only be my secondary objective after winning the match. sadly, he wont be my opponent tmr and i ll be striving my utmost best not to let someone else take his fall. apart from hitting my fingers on the table to produce a rhythm of a sixteen beat and the occasional spin-na-rooni in my roller chair, i havent done much venting. i told God it hurt alot yesterday. i hope He has extra bags of comfort for me today cus i think i m gonna need it. i m angry that i m not apart of that time with u and i m angry that hes taken my place in that instant.

m i being possessive. i dont know. which is why i constantly ask. wad m i. i m wad i m for pushing u away. so hu else have i to blame right. but i miss u. and i m on the fringes of going insane. maintaining the professional outlook that my job demands, not crumbling in front of others cus i dont know wad those around me might think, out of fear that they may not empathise or understand. its all taken its toil in the 48 hours since the last conversation.

2009-09-23T14:24:00.002+08:00

have u ever reached a point when ur in a conversation with someone. and u feel so uncomfortable and backed to a corner with expectations or recommendations that in order to get out of there, u either transform into jabbing boxer out of a corner or u simple just bullshit until u dont know wad ur saying anymore. but the desired effect would probably be likewise to striking ur opponent with three uppercuts and afew more jabs in the face, maybe throw in a muay thai kick. lol. and finally u get ur silence.

honestly speaking. in army. i have been rather self indulgent. resting as and when i can. desiring to go the extra mile yet stopping short of anything that involves my boss and job scope. found a way to deal with the stuffy office. strived for better relationships with the people i initially had problems with. finally mustered up some efforts to learn indesign. haha. seriously. and maintaining my shape. squeezing in the occasional moment to turn my office into a temple of praise, worship and prayer. pretty much wad i do in camp.

anyway. other day i was speaking to my boss. he says if i felt i was under utilized, i could always ask him for stuff to do. lol. truth is, sometimes i do wish my army life was more meaningful. thats why when my boss asked me about going on exercise, i ended up decided against it, but i didnt rejected it immediately either. hmmm. ah wells. since i m almost at the tail end. i guess i shud just look ahead.

uni life. exciting. and i ll just see out the time here. doing my best and putting in my best efforts, making sure i dont do anything adebayor-ish, bellamy-ish and that the referee here, doesnt take me beyond 4 minutes of extra time.

2009-09-22T00:28:00.001+08:00

Blame - You can't blame me
Love - If you pay me
Hope - Keep smiling through the days
Habit forming
And I don't care what you think of me
No I don't care what you think of me

Greed - Money greedy
Gold - Dirty money
Feel no shame - You take the blame
No means nothing to me

Everytime I let go - Stay behind me love
Anytime I jump off - Be there to pick me up
Love is all we've got
I'm never going to give up
If love is all we've got

Sky – Don't let it fall on
Me - I try to climb you see
Every night is longer and I care about you less
I've lost all sense of time - Open clouds ahead
Engulf with steady tide and I am floating high up

Everytime I let go - Stay behind me love
Anytime I jump off - Be there to pick me up
I'll die before I stop
I'm never going to give up
I'll die before I stop

Blame - You can't blame me
Love - If you pay me
Hope - Keep smiling through the days
Habit forming
And I don't care what you think of me
No I don't care what you think of me

Everytime I let go - Stay behind me love
Anytime I jump off - Be there to pick me up
Love is all we've got
I'm never going to give up
If love is all we've got

Blame - Temposhark

2009-09-21T23:13:00.006+08:00

facebook is being really dodgey right now. anyway. no offence, but i ll never comprehend wads the point in giving ur groups of frens weird names, as tho u guys were a part of some weird music cheena group like 5566, but u guys dont sing or perform for that matter, or a feminine name for a group that includes guys, wth?! i admire the bonds of friendship that go beyond the boundaries of school life. but these names. just utter weirdness to me. lol. cant take it.

anyway. pretty much spent the weekend discovering
1) i suck at dota and i should spend less time playing it, which i did this weekend
2) indesign is a really interesting programme that i find suits me pretty well
3) when ur mind is pretty occupied thinking about stuff and ur switching between watching soccer and trying to play with indesign, its inevitable that u ll either miss some goals or miss some tutorial steps, either which does not really bode well cus of the limited time u have to do the latter and the fixed timings u have to watch the former, which brings me back to my first discovery, less dota
4) soccer is truly a juxtaposition of comedy, drama, thrills and the romantics
5) torres and his pace is truly [pardon my use of the word if ur reading, but the use in this case in rather legitimate] orgasmic
6) i think my ability to run long distances has dwindled
7) driving feels rather difficult for me, maybe some see it as relaxing, some see it as a form of solitude, escape, peace or exploration, i just freak out at the idea of being a road hazard. i mean like which cockster's engine stalls 6 times in one lesson, thank God i got better after warming up and went stall-less [no such word btw] for the remaining hour of the lesson

5 days outta camp. ended with dinner at my grandma's. sometimes she just cooks her previous day's leftovers or simple, not so extravagant dishes. but it doesnt matter i guess, as much of a foodie as i m. sometimes, as long as its edible, the company matters more than the food quality. back in camp. waiting for my next chance to clear another off. lol. i think i deserve it. i cant even believe i lasted this long in army. i swear, when i was in bmt, living this lifestyle that was forced upon me, i was thinking, i ll either snap, go awol or kill myself before the 2 years are up. some will say its my job thats making ns such a smooth ride. my job isnt exactly a smooth ride. but i thank God i have it. cus i m learning quite abit from it. it ll be interesting how i carry on with life after i ord.

i mean like ~20 - ~4 = 16. and thats pretty much the length so far that i have survived. i hope i ll continue to survive as life takes me full circle, back to a feeling and lifestyle i ll consider unfamiliar after having it different for the last ~4 years. and barker, i worked myself up to be a office bearer, council, i spoke and worked [ok, it did fall apart alittle at the end] and ended up an exco member. in army, small fry, sometimes kenna bullied, politics, kinda different aye. confidence, swagger, assurance, self esteem wise. to be honest, its fallen rather exponentially, which is why i m also rather resentful that we have to call some nsf officers sir, daily stroking their egos, putting them in prime positions to continue with life after ord. but i know after Sunday, my army experience [as much as i dislike it] happened for a reason and my rescue act is coming. i just pray it aint so fishy. haha.

ok. back to work tmr. to think that just 5 days ago i was having a good dining experience at astons. how time flashes by. hear the magic words in 6 months time. ORD LO!

2009-08-22T21:48:00.002+08:00

Isaiah 41 & 42 today.

a great word. i know it all comes from u. i know u ll see me thru. i know i can count on u. let faith arise. teach me how to build your house. and i know in building urs, u ll build mine. refresh and renew me each day. take my right hand. take my lips. that my works will be Your works, that my words will be Your words.

thanks for being so real to me today.

2009-08-18T22:18:00.002+08:00

i read 2 Sam 8-10 today. but God led me instead to read 2 Sam 21-23. heh. another good read. i dont know how i ll get there, i hope one day i ll be capable enough. but one day i wanna get there. a David who raises up his mighty men, his band of giant slayers. But to be leader and a leader takes alot, i hope i ll learn to be up to it.

anyway. all this talk about real world, and how everyday we have to deal with not so ideal people. heh. i love how 2 Sam 23 describes it all. and i especially love this few lines,

With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful,
With the blameless You will show Yourself blameless
With the pure You will show Yourself pure
And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd.
2 Samuel 23:6-7

This is how God works and how God thinks. Afterall, its straight out of the word. So why subject ourselves to bullying, backstabbing and injustice, doing wad we ns people call 'suck thumb', i always believe we shud stand up to it in the wisest way possible, maybe my methods havent always been the wisest. but this word confirms it all, i just need to get wiser. haha. cheers!

2009-08-17T22:06:00.002+08:00

Interesting Read Today. 2 Sam 6, 7 & 8. Good Word :)

2009-08-06T12:39:00.005+08:00

i m listening to the radio. and holy crap. rihanna's new song is horrendous, she can barely sing and now shes doing that rap crap with a thick whiny draggy monotonous voice. give me a break man.

i realize too that as humans, we have the innate ability to disillusion ourselves by fixating our minds on perceived, hopeful or expected answers, so much so that, when a person says no, or says something else, we, for reasons beyond our comprehension seem to mistakenly hear our desired answers, resulting in actions that confuse those we interact with. happened to me today. no biggie. just a thought.

me saying 'i cant wait to ORD' must be the world's biggest understatement at the moment. when i was at charlie, in my opinion, i was excelling at that job, i was owning dude! the job i felt was too small for me, i had frens but they were different, really nice people with whom i enjoyed company with, but frequency and conversation wise, i couldnt fit that well. it wasnt all that ideal to me, afterall i was and still am pretty atas.

so i longed for greener pastures, i came over to this place, it seemed like paradise to me. i enjoyed the company of shixian, kendrick, kin ho & alvin. then the cycle of ORD comes along, batches go and new batches come in, the current 'bosses' werent so outspoken then. so came the dawn of a newer era i guess. the one with under-table politics, with the free food and snacks acting as a frequent pacifier, with expectations of returns and favours as tho the free food and snacks was some sort of investment. lesser initiative, lesser effectiveness, different mindsets and attitudes & clique divisions between the 'street smart, people smart, normal people' and the mixture of wad they perceive as 'not so capable, not so street or people smart, or the not so normal people'. funnily, i find myself unable to fully integrate myself in either.

i used to think, after bmt, after charlie, maybe i ll finally find people i ll be really close to, and i ll finally be able to say i made some real good frens out of my ns life, some i would be in contact with by the time i ROD, or some i ll invite to my wedding, house-warming? perhaps. perhaps not. suddenly, the grass dont seem to be that green afterall.

maybe its elitism coming a full circle. maybe i m just bad at currying favour. maybe i m bad at maintaining frenships. or maybe atas people are the only ones i can really interact with. maybe i was better off enlisting on December 15. i ll probably never know.

2009-07-23T22:08:00.002+08:00

i was actually feeling kinda inspired after my run today. i smashed my timing again. ok la. not really smashed. but i beat it for a new personal best. the last round took alot out of me. and i m still not used to running in the daytime or without food. so i might have to stretch my stamina more if i m gonna do the 10km during ahm. initially i was telling myself. why not go be like matt or tim, or one of my super pro runner frens and go train for 21km ++, but i think my ankle and knees just cant take it. i guess i ll be running to keep fit but i cant be a chiongster. my legs were never made for such intense activity.

ok. back to feeling inspired. i was thinking. a good run. a good bathe. a good conversation. then mapping out some ideas. wella. a great night of sleep. but maybe the drink machine refusing to accept my 10 cent coin, resulting in a green tea instead of hundred plus, was the first sign that i m not gonna get wad i want even tho i thought a combination of endorphins & a sense of accomplishment would present me with a sweet conclusion to this day. alas, not meant to be, everything went downhill after the good bathe.

well. i want to make two purhases, a liverpool jersey. and a p_____e. i hope my pay and spending habits will let me. God oh God, a financial windfall would be nice.

2009-07-17T16:15:00.004+08:00

ok. first and foremost i have to update my playlist after my next book in. Its getting kinda boring. maybe i ll throw in some mj songs.

tmr marks the first time in 4 weeks i ll be going down to the float at marina. anyone else hu knows that would probably curse and swear at me. lol. but its not my fault my B2IC's really independent and doesnt need a runner. then a weekend duty along with really good arrow dodging skills [believe me, its all in the timing] earned me some reprieve that my follow department mates get from fabricating offs out of a couple of hours of medical appointments. anyway, i was gonna partake in my arrow dodging again this week cus of my friday duty but i couldnt reject my boss' request to run for him. its the kinda things u never say no to when he comes in asks u. haha. so i ll be there this saturday. more pizzas or kfcs but less sfi i hope.

i m still waiting for the murukku guy to call me back. hes not very good at communicating tho. i hope he doesnt bail out on me.

i was quite tempted, boss not around, slow slow day, served the net and played waka waka until i was really bored, but i didnt. dinner in seven minutes and i m trying to read. just really not in the mood, an extra nua day. initially i was supposed to do chapter 4 of the undercover economics today but i decided that beyond chapter 1 and 2, and chapter 3 which i did anyway, i was gonna stop printing. chapter 1 and 2 were about pricing strategies and scarcity which would be pretty relevant if i started a business now, the rest is just good info but not the kinda info that would get me an A for economics in fass cus its alittle vague and not all corners of definitions, reasons and concepts are covered so i ll just kiv for now.

its kinda weird why i get inspired in solitary bus rides or walks back to my home whereas i spend so much time alone in this office but i dont feel that inspired at all. maybe its the lack of fresh air or the fact that theres just nothing much to see in this camp. hmm.

btw. i ran 10 km again last night. 51 mins and 26 secs. 26 secs slow i think. we ll see if i can shave it again next week. but it left me quite shagged. chin ups went up by 1, haha, not bad considering i have stagnated for quite awhile. pity i cant take ippt cus of the on and off pain in my knee. the silver would be have been a good 100 bucks, hu knows, maybe if i train and chiong, i can get a gold. to be eligible for ippt would mean having to return to combat activities, and i think it ll just screw my knee again so i guess its better to forfeit the cash. ah wells. need to find a way to sustain myself in uni and still nothing anything concrete on wad i wanna do for cash.

ah wells. its time for dinner. then i shall spend the evening reading freakonomics. cheers. and i got this colour gel from the ndp goodie bag. smells weird. but coloured hair. haha. dont know if its worth the risk.

2009-07-10T15:58:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Let's take it back to the night that we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought would never hurt
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it's time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let's try and take it back before it all went wrong

There was a time that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain
Are you hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton street, on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it's time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let's try and take it back before it all went wrong

too late? i guess. i was reclaiming my spot on the waka waka ladder from kah shiung. where the ghosts kinda try to eat the yellow round guy guy. well. i end up getting the power up & eating all the ghosts more often then they eat me. cus they hardly intersect with me in between. each one having their own agenda's. with the intent to eat the round yellow guy but hardly with the intent of working as one. funny how during the most recent game, my yellow round guy ate the orange and the purple ghosts. heh. and among the maze of life that looks just about hundred times more complicated than the waka waka maze and how fast the furious it all gets. hard to find both orange and a purple, working as one indeed.

headache again. after one bottle of green tea and almost 2 litres of water. i m convinced its the long hours staring at the comp and the pieces of paper i m writing on. gonna rest again. soccer tmr i guess. b2 doesnt need me, dys1 didnt allocate me, i guess i ll take a break tmr before declaring myself on free transfer for next week.

2009-07-01T09:31:00.004+08:00

heh. i feel pretty good. the first book i have completed since like harry potter i think. LOL. awesome stuff. pretty interesting book too. the undercover economist by tim harford. its economics explained in a humorous manner and in lay-man terms. i think i ll be moving on to freakonomics in the next few days.

i m fasting today so they better not serve nice lunch or i ll be rather annoyed. sfi food isnt really the preferred choice. but i think i like the western and satay sets the best. so serving neither of them would be good today.

and i just realized its night out tonight. lol. gotta think of something to do. hopefully gst credits come in and i ll be richer. then i can consume slightly more lavish food. hope baby is free to hang out with me.

i was thinking of teaching tuition. but i dont know how i can commit my time to a kid till he takes his O levels, lets say if i start teaching him in secondary 3. but giving tuition for short spells feels incomplete and giving tuition to kids with their O's nearing would be too tough a proposition to consider at this stage. well. economics tuition if i m good with my work in uni would definitely be an option tho.

2009-06-25T11:58:00.003+08:00

off day. the kinda day where ur supposed to relax & spend time with the people u wanna right. wrong.

seriously. i gotta stop that default assumption and thought in my mind that every time i m out of camp. u ll actually be happy to meet me. and i also gotta stop thinking that i m important enough in ur life for u to value the things that i say. at the end of the day, i m just any other person whom u happen to share a deeper emotional attachment [or emotional outbursts i m not so sure] to, and ur outing companion when u feel like it.

anyway. the plans i had on facebook have been tweaked. which leaves me asking myself, depend on others. wad the freak. i shud have just spent the day at home. drinking my h2o, reading the undercover economist, playing dota, go out to market to eat roast duck and pork rice that actually tastes good, and cheaper too. movie with reagan. that ll be the nice part at least. it was nice to know on monday that even tho i so bastardly ps-ed him, that i could feel his genuine disappointment. not that i m some sadist hu likes to disappoint my closest frens, but its nice to know that someone actually had high expectations and was pretty on [pardon the lame description, i have limited vocab] about going out with u. oh ya. and half a star, i say bullocks to the guy hu wrote the review. heh. its michael bay man, cant be that bad...

havent hung out with jared & matt for awhile. gotta ask them out on one of the sunday evenings since saturdays are totally burnt now.

i decided that unless cresendo ends up occupying the whole of 21st november. i will go again. hopefully, i ll have nice company to run, play soccer and have fun with then. if thats the case, then i ll have to alter my driving plans. but i m must emphasize that i ll go there either as a copa or an ops clerk, no exercise troop please. eagle hill was fun, but my knee was screaming by the time i got up. so i dont wanna screw it up again, i can barely shoot the ball hard in soccer now either. knee spolit. tsk. hmm. another hour plus before i leave, might as well plan alittle now. i havent given up hope on starting a business so i have income throughout uni and not have to depend on my parents for pocket money. but i m absolutely clueless on how and where to start. hmm...

hopefully the rest of this day will be a relaxing one. and like i told myself. after this week of nights offs, off, slack duty and rest. i m finally gonna shed that post cresendo hangover and get back to being the dedicated committed worker i ought to be, i ll try to throw in less 'disrespectful' as well, but i dunno wads with that bugger, and i hate scheming to screw people, politics are a major life drain.

2009-06-09T11:04:00.002+08:00

well. after a pretty dodgy morning. i figured its time to revive my blog alittle.

for all those hu didnt know. i was away in thailand from the 16th of may till early morning on the 4th of june. it was supposed to be army related but somehow it just felt like a holiday. all of us hu came back are having major cresendo hangovers. haha.

and now i m back. i just got acquainted with one of the harsher realities in camp. RATS. i dont know how the **** it got into my food drawer that was closed and air tight. but it got in and polished off 3 bags of instant cereal. wad the freak man!!! i just pull out the drawer and dettol-ed the whole thing. grrr. apart from that my accessory cleaning wasnt as rosy as i thought. aluminium foil, baking soda and hot water, removes tarnish, but other stuff like paint faded, some rust showed up here and there. bahh is all i can say. i mean some of the stuff were gifts from julie so they kinda mean alot to me. my mini chem experiment was supposed to be purely cleaning and shining, not a trade off between the tarnish and the other aspects that made the accessory look nice. nevertheless, i still treasure them loads. my only regret is that i never took better care of them.

oh mann. i missed my alarm this morning. i wouldnt brand it as a bad day yet. but really could have had a better morning. heres to a much improved afternoon. cheers!

2009-04-06T15:35:00.004+08:00

i was thinking loads and talking to my dad then baby last night. i decided that in the not so amercia arena. certain things are better self kept and not said. in the public arena, other things are best kept to those u consider family. i used to be a very open person, but i realised if i m gonna survive, i cant remain that way. i was always just wary of obvious animosity & selfish schemers. now, the subtle ones are those that require the most caution & the utmost of political abilities.

2009-04-03T10:34:00.005+08:00

i was doing mustering and i was thinking so i had the sudden urge to blog.

two things i have been thinking about recently.

first. we i look at myself. my qualities. hmm. light hearted. relaxed. jovial. pretty lame. analytical. detail oriented. organized. extremely serious when i get down to work. tell me if i missed anything. it kinda occurred to me that a quality or a trait can both be a good or a bad thing. depending on how you live out this trait and how others view your rendition of that trait at that point in time.

it doesnt even make u hypocrite. this could just be u, the entire package. however, different circumstances and situations manifests different aspects of ur character or personality.

so anyways. i was thinking, based on my displays and renditions, how do people view me.

act 1, scene 1 [ACS Barker Rd Scout Troop] Marcus eventually come to understand how i work. i do things in my own time frame, and i produce good work, i just dont like some clamping down on me, my work and social persona also vary to both ends of character spectrum. like how i can be straight faced and commanding when i work, yet i can be clowning around and talking nonsense during patrol leader council meetings.

act 1, scene 2 [Pioneer Junior College 7th Student Council] Weilin knew that i could produce work of high quality. but she had the impression that i was too slack, too relaxed. so she always chased me and bit on the heels. well. on one hand, it was annoying, but it made me see my flaw in my inability to work to deadlines and i have managed it better since then. but anyway, i realised i was always also speaking nonsense among frens, among my committee mates, but i was seriously serious during committee meetings, during my entire helming of tpi and openhouse logistics.

act 2, scene 1 [A student in J1 math] My teacher in the first year absolutely hated me. i think she loathed me more then any student in class. well, me being me, i would do my work at my own pace and time, disregarding deadlines, missing lectures i thought were not helpful, moreover, it was a more playful period of my life, so my grades werent ideal either. it didnt help that this teacher was constantly condemning me, and she constantly said she was concerned & just couldnt comprehend my actions. ah wells. well, i still knew my priorities in the end, got my act together and completed the comeback act that saved me a year of my life, without her help.

act 2, scene 2 [A student in J2 math] I got a new teacher in the second year. she was great cus she could actually teach and she had good rapport when my classmates & i. so i continued doing work at my own pace and time, disregarding deadlines, missing lectures i thought werent helpful, but my grades improved considerably cus i never skipped tutorials like i used to. my mc spam for home study sessions annoyed her greatly, but she actually found out that i stayed in school late to study on other days & i was managing my studies well, and that at least it was a system that was working for me. she actually realised that i m not all just a crap talker when i presented tpi to the management committee. she actually told me she was pretty shocked when i went to her for loads of consultations. it was a compliment to me when she told me she felt i ll probably be one of the better performing students in class for the A levels. considering i was clueless on alot of J1 math all the way up to prelims, and blanked out on statistics considering it was my forte. i would say, thanks for helping me with a C.

its interesting how different people have different takes on u but with various aspects remaining constant. generally, my behaviour depended on wad i was doing, and i was a person with poor work efficiency but excellent work quality. i think i have worked on the efficiency since then and its improved. but nevertheless, people see different bits of the same picture. a string of circumstances and situations and an individuals own interpretation will result in a different impression, reaction & conclusion.

such is the complexities of human behaviour i guess. to me, the most difficult, is allowing others to view u, in the way u want them to.

part 2 for the other thing i was thinking about. haha. i shall get back to work.

2009-03-22T07:20:00.004+08:00

well. 9 more posts away from a milestone 700. i bet i ll go, freaking hell, i used to sound like an idiot [some of u might still think so] if i read my first post from way back then.

anyway. i woke up earlier today to rescue the newspapers from those hu either neglect the rules or those hu are just freaking kiasu or both. anyways. i shall exercise my lame ass duty clerk authority if these companies try to smoke a second copy off me later. cus nothing escapes my eyes even tho newspapers every weekend are probably as scarce as water in the dessert. if u find it, u ll rush for it and u ll be in paradise [what?!?! believe me, i dont know why i just made such a lame ass comparison but its morning on a sunday, i hope u understand, haha], if you dont, ur condemned to an afternoon of boredom [well, or u could always bid ur time doing something else, cheers, we all know u ll live]

ok back to the blog. so i was done setting up barricades in front of my newspapers [i wish i had the luxury of doing a stoke city, put 10 men in front of wad i m defending, but they ll all probably turn around and grab the papers themselves anyway], so this is the time where i ll either have the red pill of being rightfully anal or the blue pill of hiding in my own little world called the COPA office.

yes and once again, back to the blog. i was fbing this morning. and i saw commissioning photos of some of my frens. and i came to wonder as i drew the S1 office key. wad the hell m i doing here. i mean like, my fellow council EXCO member, a house captain [would probably find afew more if i decided to extend my fbing hours] passing out of OCS. i considered each of them my equal during school. then thoughts like 'yea, i didnt make it cus i got my knee injury right.' well my spec told me i might have made it to sispec, but was that good enough for me? i thought 'yea, didnt the doctor say that if he sent an injured person to command school, they would kill him for not doing an accurate assessment of my injury.' but he didnt directly tell me that he failed me during that ffi, and that doesnt explain how i got posted to an engineer unit either right. so then, m i making excuses for my supposed failure and disappointment?

then another thought came, 'but haven't u made the best out of ur situation?' i would say yes, and i truly and sincerely thank God for turning my disappointment into this new appointment. but i just felt, why must i rely on God and rely on myself to make the most out of second best, when the best always just seems to be a top up of a little more effort and a little more faith...

things dont happen cus they happen, only shit happens cus it happens, things happen cus we make them happen, shit happens to help us tell the difference and ultimately make the difference...

anyway. i was wiki-ing the matrix last night. the more i read, the more i understood cus i never saw reloaded before. i think its a really deep, really goes beyond the surface kinda storyline. sorry for the lack of good vocabulary. limitations to my verbosity and add the fact i m sleepy. but wadever it is, i think the movie suits insightful, probing characters like me. then again, thats wad my last literature teacher said. my grades proved otherwise. first class potential, second best results...

2009-03-18T09:22:00.002+08:00

ok. so i have had this window turned on since like 9 in the morning but the time now is 1308 and i have finally found some time to blog. talk about busy day.

i guess i m the kind hu would just let people say wad they want or do wad they want then bitch out to the people closest to me or do a little bit of venting on my window here. i m just the kind hu wouldnt do something unless i think theres a point, someone hu rationalizes and reasons quite abit. 5 b ex, doesnt make sense, battalion pt does. in terms of status, i can do neither. in terms of wad my physio said, i can do both as long as they dont involve uphill running or over excessive pressure on my knees. but my choice is to do the one i find most sense in doing. cheers. not like its a law that i m breaking. ur a good fren of mine, but if one day, ur abrasively acidic tone gets to me, and i trash my 'let people say wad they want or do wad they want then bitch out to the people closest to me or do a little bit of venting on my window here' demeanor and i blow. u had it coming dude.

oh. btw. its been a great week. spent monday out with baby. tuesday was mainly spent helping baby with her work. my medical appointment. the doctor was really nice. i ll be crossing my fingers that he ll charge both pairs under SAF, afterall, it was training that aggravated the injury earlier on. had dinner at lao pa sat. jolly v chicken is pretty good. tim toh, matt and i totally pigged out. haha. i ll make up for it tonight at the gym. its really tranquil, serene and peaceful, especially when our bad ass monster is missing for a week. haha.

2009-03-12T18:01:00.008+08:00

a thought.

'just cus i m seemingly living in a God-forsaken land doesnt mean i have to live a God-forsaken life.'

these few days i have been thinking alot and feeling alot. life in his battalion isnt really ideal. and sometimes i dont even long for the book out. i just long for the day where there isnt a weird system, out of a weird implementation, out of a weird person. that greatly inconveniences me, that steals away the time i can spend polishing up myself or my work. i treasure my job loads and i ll always give my best. i think my boss is sharp, logical, rational yet emphatic & down to earth. he has my utmost respect. so does my other boss, the one i share an office with.

however when i live in the world that surrounds my job, that is this battalion. i just cant help but feel disappointed, sometimes miserable. its beyond comprehension for me how this place can have a lack of logic and reasoning, zero empathy and a heavy load of hierarchical nonsense. and when i say hierarchical nonsense, i only mean one guy.

disappointed at the mindsets of those around. even one close to me, whom i consider one of my closer frens. i dont really like the abrasiveness words and tone of voice. the excuses we make for ourselves to take mc & do other stuff, to do this and that. i may be silent sometimes, but when u complain to me, and the things u tell me in ur own time, i can see thru u, into ur thoughts, into ur motives, as much as i can never get u to admit to it, its evident in the way u speak. then another is the disgust i have at myself, for letting myself get sucked into this mindset sometimes. for subscribing to it now and then. for being in practice of it. embarrassing. i wish i could chill. then, with the non work related load stacking up on our shoulders, the frustration that the 'less able' just wont do anything to lighten the load kinda irks me.

like that. so how. do we all llst?? lan lan suck thumb. for me, i dont know where to go and wad to think. i totally lost my mood today for photoshop, or gym, or anything. i just feel like taking a long deep rest. clear my mind. clear my grouses. clear my burdens.

to do my COPA job to the best of my abilities. to keep fit and lose the tummy. to learn skills in photoshop, illustrator, web design, html, powerpoint presentation. to take driving lessons at the tail end. these are the very essentials i hope to better myself with by the time i get out of here. my time here can get pretty dodgy. but i promise to try my best, to get better, to be better, to be the best that i can be. those are the goals i hope to achieve in national service.

tired out for now.

i shall drift away for the rest of today.

2009-03-11T13:05:00.006+08:00

gah. i m in internally pissed mood now over come comments made even thou u probably wouldnt see a major change in my countenance.

i remember the other day i met weilin on the way home from smu openhouse, and she was telling me she had 5 weeks more to deadline. so i was like alot of time wad, so why are u coming back to school on a saturday. just chill and take it easy. her response set me thinking. her response in a light hearted way was "aiya, zai zai know ur pattern one". so i looked at myself, and i remembered logistics in pjc openhouse, i remembered the student council attachment programme, i also remember true pioneer initiative. there were days i worked till 0300hrs in the morning, slept for an hour and a half, work for another 1 hour plus then fly off to school. so i looked at myself, the words, hardworking, dedicated, committed, perfectionist, detail orientated, administrative excellence came to my mind.

then i thought of the 2 month delay for the first council tee. the 2 week delay for the second. meetings of which i constantly disappeared from. the council camp i tried to pon but in the end, i decided to go cus mr tong sent me a message and i didnt want to disappoint a teacher hus work ethic and style i respected. to me its a pity i never got into a committee to work with him directly. but anyway. i thought of the procrastinator, the irresponsible, uncommitted, rebellious, inefficient slacker.

then i thought again, in my opinion of myself. how can i be such a weird combination of both.

fast forward and months later. cleaned up the act alittle. but in a certain way, it felt like council all over again, design battalion invitation cards, notice board maintenance. it was like publicity committee round two. armskoteman, logistics all over again. i did the designs in half a day, sent and updated them accordingly. was even earmarked for armskote ic course. something had to be going right, right?
i guess getting them right got me this COPA job.

came in, isnt a slacking heaven like most people think, but administrative wise i was strong. managed to kiv stuff without forgetting them, managed my boss' calendar. grew into this role, learning how to deal with officers, document accounting, exercise preparation. a night i worked till 4am, 2 nights i didnt sleep because of work.

the last 2 paras sound familiar??

then there are days, i retreat to the bunk for naps cus my boss went out for meetings, days i skipped battalion pt to set up the conference room and stayed in the bunk for awhile after its done. days i spend the entire day on the i net cus i had no work to do. two blunders but non in recent weeks as i continue to learn and adapt.

there are days where the departments goes on off, days where u guys can take mc. days where u guys can book out the day before to go on 8 hour medical appointments. u guys can take leave. u guys can go 3 div. i cant. or i have to go thru many levels of approval. there are even days when i leave much later then u even tho there are days i disappear earlier. cus i m the COPA. essentially my job allows me a different set of privileges, but also comes with its own exclusive set of limitations.

does that really make me a slacker?? does that make me an estab liability?? do i come up with excuses for everything?? do i cease to bond with my department mates and cease to help them in way i know how when i can afford to??

i think not. i m not a jm. dont ever ever say i m in anyway like him. cus my freakin zai zai pattern, is not wad it used to be, its not negatively predictable anymore. and most of all. i get my work done and i get my work done well. and this, my boss and file cabinet, i with all my heart believe, can vouch for.

2009-03-11T09:54:00.004+08:00

as i type my password. i get reminded of the two fellas who made this morning quite a one to savour despite a rough early hours of the morning. getting raped by mosquitoes again after and the not so early but rather early morning rampaging courtesy of some guy hus senseless brain implements senseless systems. just in case u guys think i m complaining about my direct boss, i assure u i m not. heh. hu would have tot we would thrash real madrid 4-0. sweet.

anyway soccer during battalion pt. i got quite a bad knock. ok la. i ll be honest and tell everyone the asshole i m. i knew the instant he lobed it over me that he would get there faster, so i tried to put him off by obstruction, but my clumsiness, resulted in quite a bad knock on my calf when both him and i, collided. ouch. or more like owie day?? annoying when i just hurt my butt yesterday and it still hurts. i need a massage man. nevertheless, had a pretty good game to add some cheer to my lowly spirits.

its an instinct to be territorial. a good thing to be protective of the things u treasure. an obsession to embarrass yourself by going overboard. where above all. balance is key. a girl hus clamouring for u and cant live without u is suffocating. yet a girl hu acts nonchalantly that life will go on without u is evident of one hu might not even love u that much after all. i didnt mean it in a malicious way or provoking way. but if ur other half is getting too comfortable, where relationships are not 'third party' proof, thinking that despite either over-clamour or nonchalance , that love is gonna keep u here, i assure the guy will try his best, but push factors might eventually triumph.

and i have recently been keeping up with personal hygiene. quite proud of myself considering i m living a chao chaotic army life. haha.

and my tea doesnt taste very good today. last bag from the box. re-sub tonight. payday was yesterday. cheers.

the next cup needs alittle more milk and a little less sugar.
hmm.

2009-03-10T11:07:00.003+08:00

i feel like a freaking dung beetle. the kind where, u cant stop shit from appearing. and as soon u as u use ur butt aching, hamstrung lower body muscles to yank, push and clear the shit and put it out of sight and out of mind. more shit appears. this day is starting to more and more epitomize the term "shit happens".

on the ground judgement call. everyday is judgement day. for me. at least.

2009-03-10T09:30:00.003+08:00

ok. my butt seriously freaking hurts. i know it sounds dam dumb considering its one of the more cushioned parts of ur body. but i cant help squirming in my seat as i type this post cus its just so dam freaking achy and uncomfortable. freaking hell.

i smoked my crabbishly ranked office-mate today. i hope he was convinced. credit for clarification. i hope so man.

so i looked back alittle today. i remember the letter that didnt go thru. then a request came along. and i was like wow!

sometimes, almost 3 years down. things just get alittle too comfy. u love and ur loved. but the chase, the need to please just doesnt really feel like its there anymore. maybe there needs to be some competition. sounds thrilling huh. i know i have grown without knowing exactly wad i have grown into, maybe its a juxtaposition of the good & bad. but the positives i have felt about this relationships have never felt stronger.

at least i didnt feel as shitty as i did before i decided to blog. but i think i m quite a poor soccer player. ok. i got that returning burst of pace to intercept balls. but i either clear them to oblivion or pass them back to an opponent. i lack vision and composure on the ball even tho i have a improving but still relatively poor first touch. hmm. i love to play. but it gets demoralizing sometimes. recreation wise, for someone hu would probably do really well in soccer trivia and soccer theory. a frustrated liverpool fan who sticks around despite being constantly frustrated, i just dont play well enough in the sport to satisfy myself. maybe thats why i ve been turning to basketball, cus in bball m a noob, so i dont expect that much of myself, i cant name u more then 7 nba players. could it be the pressure?? i wish i could wad i do in fm and tell everyone, "i don't think the pressure ever gets to me at all."

yea. and i just went to pass something to my boss. and while walking back to my office i was trying to massage the aching area. and i thought. freaking hell. from behind, i must look like i m groping my own butt. wth.

ok. back to work.

2009-03-09T22:28:00.003+08:00

man. my office is really really messy. newspapers lying around. promotion forms lying around. despite the fact i just passed by a whole bunkload of people eating macs. i m so not loving it. i m so sorry shi xian. lol. i ll clear up tmr. promise. and i promise to pass on this office to my understudy in its best condition possible come november or december.

anyway. i just came back from the gym. i m feeling really really good. haha. highness and awesomeness. i could display my limited dancing abilities to a lady gaga song right now just to show my hype and pleasure having burned off what must have been one of the crappiest dinners ever. soccer tmr morning. really really looking forward. i think my burst of pace is slowly coming back. i hope soon i can put that knee injury behind me. went thru todays gym session without the pain too. cheers!

ok. i m seriously done reading that blog baby intro-ed. while i find some perspectives interesting and refreshing in this conservative Singaporean society, i find the rest to be largely excuses, escapism of a soul slowly findings its way back onto the road. and the content is working the wrong instruments. vivid explicit imagery the words induce. tainted-ness the aftermath of induced action coupled with bad choices.

anyway. its sad how one thing always leads to another, how holes get dug deeper, the darker in we wander, where we lose sight of the light as the start of the tunnel, and we stumble on, getting accustomed to darkness, at points even embracing the darkness. losing all hope, all faith, remove the warmth, we get icy numbness. remove love, and we dig for it in all the wrong places. maybe deep down, when the fun, the thrill fades away, we start to believe, we will once again see the end of this tunnel and the light that shines thru, at its very end.

blog archives. we read and we ask of ourselves. wad have we become. yes we have grown. but wad have we grown into.

this generation has lost in innocence.

wad remains, is if we can ever get out of the darkness. wad remains, is if we will ever find virtue.

for virtue,
is innocence tested.

2009-03-09T09:25:00.005+08:00

i m sitting in my office. really hungry. i dunno if its metabolism. syaz decided he wanted to do duty clerk today instead, so he relieved me of my duty. timely as well. cus i got to sleep more after talking to julie till like two this morning. but i never went back upstairs after 0730. instead i went to read a blog that baby mentioned about last night.

anyway i was kinda thinking.

u know, sometimes, i wish that i could lead that kinda lifestyle. it seems interesting, thrilling, i mean not with various individuals but just one, of whom u really do feel for. it beats the wait, and its not as tho u dont love. and i m pretty sure its a pretty awesome feeling, having been there, just not going full swing. but when ours minds start working, and we start thinking with the right instruments. we ponder the consequences, the wait to paint it all red & the emotional upheaval. the blame game. going off the spiritual track for weeks in our lives, missing a boat, missing a kairos moment. we realise the obvious reasons why there aint no full swing [its not cus tiger woods is currently not playing]. the question is, choose the rule of Jezebel, or choose the rule of Yahweh. and i still love this passage, it always reminds me.

“For this commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.

“See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore CHOOSE LIFE, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”

this aint just some lameass passage i m quoting to sound holy, neither does the context apply if u take it literally. God is an integral part of the picture, or my picture at least, and i guess it serves more importantly to illustrate wad we would consider a need for fullness, fulfillment and fruitfulness.

i cant imagine myself now, living a life thats out of conscience. out of my beliefs, out of my values and out of the people i love. that would be more of a cursing then anything. i would probably end up hating myself for letting myself shit myself. i cant imagine living life without thinking of my career, my future, my parents' future, my gf / hopefully future spouse's future. i would be distraught if one day i looked back and lose sight of the very road that i chose to step out off. and come to think of it, the wrong instrument takes up as much thoughts as the right one does. the choice lies in which instrument the rest of the bodies listens & reacts to. its 50-50. if only i could be sure of 100-0.

cus this day,
i choose life.

2009-02-28T12:58:00.003+08:00

ok. so i m on duty. haha. freaking hell. ystd. i went up to change during the 5 minutes space between the idol performance and the idol results show. then i happened to glance into mirror and my eyes caught a dam rat scurrying across the room. i think my mates are so gonna die. cus they dont close their cupboards properly and often leave that little space for weekend rat invasions. like i was telling the COS ystd. our CSM is a giant rat. no wonder our unit is a freaking giant rat nest.

i have been blasting music ever since i woke up from sleeping session take 2. from ne-yo to lady gaga to the fray to taylor swift. haha. wonders of having ur own office. how the creative speakers got here. i would never know. i just enjoy the fruits of my predecessors geniuses. haha. and my successors will enjoy my monster slaying, room maintaining efforts as well. cheers to COPAs before & after!

Seafood burger set for lunch. the hot dogs were grossly oily. i could feel the oil with the frank going down my throat. sick man! i skipped the fries but the rest was pretty good. haha. wonder if that means ian gets the crappy food tmr. ah wells. the cookhouse favours me more i guess.

ok. now. maybe a nap. do the spiritual gift profiles so i can show jac tmr. heh. maybe read more of my book and blast more music.

gamecast pool vs boro tonight. a pessimistic liverpool fan. i say its a draw. prove me wrong i pray.

2009-02-18T10:49:00.003+08:00

i blog in bits and pieces nowadays. lots has changed since those days where i used to be really contemplative. when i used to think alot and post loads of more meaningful stuff. [relative to wad i post nowadays]

thinking metaphorically. have u ever felt that u know clearly that theres a path right in front of u. yet through your eyes of myopic vision with high astigmatism. all u can see is a blurred image near you and an even more blurred image ahead of you. because of that u stumble from left to right. u cant see wads coming towards you. your disorientation might even send u walking on in reverse. and because of that, u cant really walk the path thats been laid out nicely in front of you. or u take longer then u shud have without really getting there, without really getting it right. we are a generation lacking in vision. living in blurry images, erratic lifestyles.

vision is the compass of our lives, it sends us doing the right things, at the right times depending on the right people.
purpose without vision is purpose misinterpreted, misunderstood and wrongly assumed, taking you no where or a really long time to get there.

wads ur purpose in life?
wads the vision that accompanies your purpose?

knowing neither or knowing either is detrimental. dont u think?

impaired by blur-ness, blindness, darkness.

i guess we gotta get all this right.

i read this quote that we all know but its quite fitting for my current moment. 'an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind' anyway. i decided against seeking legal revenge earlier. its only legal cus all i had to do wad complain tactfully and he would get screwed. but i guess i didnt. funny thing was, while i kept ranting to everyone else, i actually felt good that i didnt stoop to his level, lest react negatively to his nonsense. the quotes like icing on the cake. so i decided to be more chill-y today. i still said some wrong insensitive stuff like over ten minutes ago, but its just me and me not using my brain sometimes and making statements u go 'shit i shouldnt have said that' awhile later. but we all live and learn. haha. i finally realise PJC's motto wasnt that silly after all. i guess theres some truth to it huh.

anyway. i dont think i ll be going for nights out today cus we have a stand by bed at 1800 hrs which is rather absurd to a certain extent. furthermore, i m not really meeting anyone tonight. actually was quite disappointed at the circumstances that have made it rather difficult to have a nights out and to enjoy it as well cus morale hasnt really been very high. dealing with frens hu have different mindsets and a load of admin work as well as saikang to do. worse of all. i think my knee is acting up again. tsk. ok. back to work.

2009-02-03T11:31:00.008+08:00

its been a long while since i blogged. i m really tired now with a headache. i think my boss might still be sleeping.

went outfield with CO yesterday. the last time i was outfield was like wad sit test in bmt la. my body is so nua nowadays. walked one round around the deployment site. came back with a backache. wth. could also be cus i went to the gym before i left camp. nevertheless. initially it was a nice change to the office setting. the air was really really fresh and the set up was really interesting.

but after awhile. the lack of light. the mozzies. the heat from the lpv with all my bosses stuff inside. and the sight of my frens' low morale and apparent shag-ness made me really really thankful this is just a one off thing. but i have a really bad headache now.

and i really really like this pair of jeans. hahahah. but sian. no cash. lol. have cash also cant spend this kind of money. not now at least.

http://www.truereligionbrandjeans.com/Mens_Natural_Rainbow_Billy_Big_T__Ridin_Dirty/pd/c/2002/np/2002/p/2627.html

2009-01-07T10:54:00.003+08:00

rarr. i m pissed off.

ok la. i think i ll be the first to admit. i think i m getting rather influenced by the constant swearing and complaining. even thou i do complain much more then i swear.

but yesterday was so tiring. i had to arrange like 5 meetings for CO, back to back to back to back to back. and before that i had to set up conference room. then after that i had to clear up the conference room. and not to mention all the shit the duty clerk has to do in the day.

today like sean said. siao. i woke up. sent my duty clerk report. went upstairs. had the urge to play soccer. then forfeited duty rest. went down and played soccer. after that i was feeling sleepy. wth right. so totally stupid. yup. then i came down and now everyone wants a piece of my boss. and i stupidly intruded on an AOP to ask if he wanted to answer a call. WTH. obviously he wouldnt cus hes busy doing the AOP right. walao. stupid COPA.

then got so many things to do. hope i still managed to make it for nights out today. stupid stupid 10pm book in rule. i swear if not for DYS1 i would have exploited the loophole.

2009-01-06T09:58:00.002+08:00

irritating.

ok. anyway. back to the blogging before the call of setting up the conference room got to me and sent me into 45 minutes of fluster. i shud have known that this kinda arrow was unavoidable.

anyway. i m so pissedd man! reminder my arse!! i said like exactly the same thing. varying between nice and more stern tones. and each time i was a discouraging factor. not like it made a difference. its a just a predetermined prejudice. makes me wonder wad i m doing here in the first place. wth man. u can take the guy and shove it man.

ok. been snacking more today, had a few cheese rings cheezels and cheese biscuits. watching for kah shiung's bandung. diet for lunch it HAS to be!

and aaron told me a few weeks ago he was at the mt line in jurong camp. wonder if its anywhere near 30 SCE.

2009-01-01T22:40:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin City on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is trying to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

There was a time that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are you hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We we're thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is trying to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

If the clouds don't clear
Then we'll rise above it, we'll rise above it
Heavens gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we use to, just like we use to

Let's take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the Worst - The Script

I think the script totally rocks. i m so into their music right now. not a particularly rosy start to the new year. despite the fact that i m on off tmr. blah.

and my mom is darn retatded. something dropped off the table she was sitting at. all she had to do was reach down. and she had to ask me to walk across the room from where i was sitting down to help her pick it up. ??? yup. women ... illogical creatures ...

trying to get the new mp3 player working. i mean it wasnt some super ex thing. haha. but i m not earning much and my family isnt super rich. so i m just thankful my dad had the thought of giving it to me when he got it.

i m trying to con matthew now. haha. my con is going totally wrong.

oh. and todays foodie report. the beef noodle at lavender is darn good!! oh and goose liver is darn nice too!! my aunt got some from germany. my mom thought the idea of she having it was gross. but i made her my first convert! heh. tastes like lungeon meet!!

2008-12-29T09:06:00.003+08:00

man. i m tired. theres something about me that takes awhile to get used to army beds after like many days out of camp

boss isnt around. b2 isnt around. haha. i m reading a book. was done serving the net. finally found a video of the goals in last nights drubbing of newcastle. RED HOT i tell u!! and i saw lucas' assit for gerrards second goal. thats why i sing praises of the guy!!

vnite. haha. honestly speaking. i think we could go in a different direction. maybe we could do a theme or a focal point. lol. not necessarily in terms of the dress code but something thats gives the night more direction to add on to its significant meaning.

year by year. its always been the people we look forward to meeting and having fellowship with. but why not, let it be the programme that we look forward to being a part of, together. and i realise that we hardly know the junior batches. i mean most of the relic venture scouts like me la. we come back only knowing plus minus 2 batches. so afew batches down the road. we ll be attending a gathering of strangers. haha. surely there has to be more interaction.

heh. spotted alot of minor details missing. next years vnite needs a detail master. haha. may i advertise my services.

2008-12-26T11:22:00.004+08:00

i m having the jasmine green tea that baby got me. heh. it actually tastes quite good with raw sugar. i m really excited about tonight. if it really does materialize that is. dinner at my grandma's and shes cooking curry!! then after that i ll be watching the man u as well as pool's match! thank thank thank God i managed to remove myself from boxing day duty in camp.

i would say its been a pretty good morning. other then running through my email. clearing it and replying the more urgent stuff. nothing much. heh. i bet its been an awesome time for shi xian. heh. one of my new year resolutions is not to be in camp in december next year from 15th to 31st dec. hahaha. i mean like i m not resentful of my upperstudy but i m rather envious. haha. he deserves it. this long holiday. and i know i ll pretty much feel the same way when my time comes.

i tell u. i was so zonked this morning when i reached camp. i was falling asleep when i walked to the mrt station from my home. falling asleep while waiting for the training. falling asleep even standing on the train. haha. probably cus i only had 4 hours of sleep last night. and guess wad. when i came to camp. i changed and told myself. i ll have a 10 min rest then go down. haha. my rest became a 2 hour nap. ah wells. it was nice nevertheless. i like the cold weather. goes really well with this time of year. hope it stays till the year end.

haha. christmas was a great one this year. for the first time in 3 years. baby was around and not in malaysia. haha. anyway. i had a great week of leaves, off and magical offs.

17 Dec I went Christmas Shopping With Baby. got like 3 pieces of bangles from 77th Street.
18 Dec Lunch With Baby was super!!! Heh. and i fed her so much fish. LOL. i m sorry about the big fight we had after but i m thankful that u still spent the day with me and made a large part of it really enjoyable. Dinner with my parents was equally awesome. my grandma came along. haha. and we went to long beach at dempsey road. if u ever go there. please order the bamboo clamps!! they are out of this world!! haha. i m sure kung fu p/m-anda would really like them. hahahaha. okok. inside joke.
19 Dec I did more Christmas Shopping With Baby. heh. hu ask kung fu to pang seh me!! This time we went shopping for Christmas gifts. Spent the evening with Jared and Matthew. We had dinner the The American Club! The food was great. We just chatted and bowled a game. Walking down Orchard to Starbucks where we got drinks and continued talking. haha. great catching up with my 2 best frens. really thinking of going back to help out in scouts now. i ll talk about that another time. there was this funny angmoh couple where the girl was like sitting on top of the guy and they were smooching at starbucks. haha. i wonder if we ll ever see Singaporeans do this kinda thing.
20 Dec Soccerr!! but wasnt so fun this week la. the opponents were so long ball-ish. freaking sian. followed baby to buy shoes after. the pair of boots were really nice. shouldnt have returned it dear.
21 Dec Candlelight Services in Church!! haha. awesome as ever. after that met matthew and timothy to watch Singapore Vs Vietnam. haha. the scenes after was a amusing as they were shocking. it mean, its just a match man. i wouldnt get all hyped up supporting a Singapore team with 5 or sometimes even 6 foreign born players, whom most of the time dont really look like they add more value to the team then the locals would, especially agu and precious. met reagan to buy dao hui at selegie then headed over to kung fu panda's residence. hahaha. stupid liverpool disappointed me again. but it was a great day. oh and i tell u man. bagel! my cousins' dog. i was holding a yu tiao on my left hand, the had soya bean milk on my right. so i put the soya bean milk down and was reaching for a straw but was trying not to block the view of my aunt hu was talking to reagan. so as i stretched and reached. my left hand went lower. and all of a sudden i felt something pull my yu tiao downwards. haha. how retarded and amusing. haha. opportunistic bugger.
22 Dec was spent at shelly and my aunts house, which incidentally happens to be the home of a certain panda. a really skinny and not so furry one. LOL. we had shellys scrambled eggs for breakfast. haha. so cool. she can actually cook. and wads more surprising is i m still alive here typing this post!! lol. the wonders of wad studying in UK do to add value to u. haha. they kinda also do the adding in pounds(PUN INTENDED)!! then lunch was awesome. i love french beans. we were just chatting the whole day. and victims of qings new camera. we went to orchard later, during which i met baby and hj for awhile.
23 Dec was spent at babys place. really sorry i couldnt bring u to the beach in the end. i spent the time doing my parents presents which baby kindly helped me with but ended up playing sims. haha. after that disaster happened with my moms present. then came the fluster to art fren. then the 15 minute improvisation plan. and 1 hour of immense distress. haha. thank God it all worked out well in the end. after that, we walked down town, viewed the christmas lights. our last stop was at ps. i felt the christmas story display was really interesting. haha. ran into wilfred there too. spent the rest of the night in camp completing my dad's present, slept at 430am. but it was fulfilling. ian was great company. met this newly posted-in pes e clerk hus one year my junior, from my jc and knows my cousin pamela. small world.
24 Dec the earlier part of the day was spent in camp. where the rain ensured we just stayed and slacked in our offices instead of doing for a cadence run. i kinda hoped for it cus i was pretty shagged after staying up the night before. had a nice christmas lunch and finally booked out at 11am. sped off to imm to get the remaining parts of my parents present. and got home spending the whole day with "operation: save my mom's present". dinner at aunt fiona's was awesome. i was stuffing my face with beef beef and more beef. haha. the turkey and shepherds pie was all awesome. got to try 2 different red wines too. and they were really really different in taste and texture (is that wad u call it???)
25 Dec Christmass!! haha. went to church with baby! where we met reagan and jac. manda shelly nigel and enqing along with my aunt appeared. haha. the drama was not bad. just felt it wasnt as touching and humorous as the previous years. after that had some thoughts in my mind with regard to cg which i might talk about another time. had some shopping mania at attributes where i splashed 70 bucks. dont gasp! cus after i collect some debts. i would have only spent 22. haha. tried to indulge in the fantasy that i could have won a psp but my spins were too lousy. bah. i had lunch with baby at qiji. haha. we already done eating when we realised they didnt or forgot to charge us for the barley. lol. got another bangle at 77th street before i headed off to dinner with my parents.

wad an eventful week!

well its gonna get better. for the next 3 days at least. haha.
26th Dinner at Grandma's! EPL Boxing Day!!
27th Soccer!! End Of Year Services!!
28th Venture's Night!
29th Duty Clerk in Camp :(

2008-12-15T09:52:00.004+08:00

woo. i m back in camp and i probably going over to 3 div side once i get the survey back from boss and with the stuff i m collecting from ian. it ll be 4 birds with one stone. wad utter skill. haha.

anyway. this is probably the shortest week i ll have so far in my ns life. i ll be disappearing on tuesday night. so the planned programme as follows, so far.

WED 17 Dec 2008
Birthday Present Shopping With Baby
Lunch With Manda (Tentatively)
Dinner With My Parents

THU 18 Dec 2008
Exercise With Matt @ CCAB
Lunch With Baby @ Himawari Japanese Restaurant
Dinner With Parents @ Long Beach

FRI 19 Dec 2008
Swimming With Baby
Lunch With Yvonne
Dinner Cum Bowling With Matt & Jared

SAT 20 Dec 2008
Soccer With The Guys
Twilight With Baby, HJ & JY (Tentatively)
Dinner @ Grandma's

SUN 21 Dec 2008
Candlelight Service @ Jurong West / Expo (Undecided)
Dinner With Godma Shelly & Manda

Well Awesome Stuff! Hopefully i ll add more stuff to the list to make these 5 days a blast!!

2008-12-10T12:51:00.003+08:00

blah. i m pissed off man. and somewhat annoyed as well.

sometimes i do feel i have a pretty complete life. other times i really dont think i do. its probably two sides, two perspectives, to the very same issue. two sides to the very same coin. blah. enough with trying to sound contemplative and cheem. not working dude.

yea. like i was saying before i so rudely cut myself out. just a thought in my mind. wad makes u a mainstay in someone elses life. wad makes some people so forgettable yet others so unforgettable.

i looked at my facebook. 153 people. but how many of them do i really know deeply? after u subtract off some cousins, my gf and my best friends. i could probably count them with max my fingers and toes. kinda sad right. sad that facebook can really become a popularity face-ade (sorry, couldnt resist it) it could be just a me thing. but it would be cool to know one day that everyone u added on facebook. would be a friend unforgettable to u. and you, an unforgettable friend to them.

facebook for just face value. time to dig deep and value add. sorry it all sounds so variable (pun or no pun or just bad english, i dont know how to put it). time to get back to reading John C. Maxwell's book.

2008-12-09T13:50:00.002+08:00

wah. i m super tired. i woke up earlier then usual today to get the conference room ready and i felt stupid i tell u. i cleaned and set the table last week then made everything look professional and nice. even laid out a tray with sugar, creamer and sweetener for all those tea lovers. then as i was sitting in the meeting, i saw s1 pour the tea, open a packet of creamer, pour the creamer into the cup, then he paused. i was sitting to his right, 2 seats away from being his direct opposite and i was observing. and in my mind, i went OH SHIT! I FORGOT THE TEASPOONS! haha ah wells. at least i rectified it for the second meeting, THANK GOD the auditors didnt try to have tea during the first meeting.

ok. so i have been working non stop since the start of day. finally getting a breather now. and i was speaking to my parents about the stressful nature of this job (contrary to wad people think and assume when they come in and see me sipping lipton, or using this great privilege of the inet comp or saying that i m the only f***ing nsf in the whole battalion who has his own office, they are all breather periods like now. when it gets intense, it really gets intense), i guess i m still trying my best fumbling and feeling my way about. nevertheless, lifes been good. and i guess i agree with my dad saying this is an introduction to the real corporate world and baby saying this is a learning experience that God is using to shape me.

and i guess now i realise, somethings can only be learnt by adopting a hands on approach. its like how this job looks easy. but as alvin experienced last week, the lowest level of stress can be experienced in a very simple way. for example, when my boss can uses a barrage of questions to silence u when u do the simple stuff like bring in documents for him to sign. and hence a spirit of sharpness is forged. haha. to me, hes the smiling assasin.

and i feel fat and weak. really need to take a trip to the gym which i havent done for almost 2 weeks. i mean like its only been a about slightly below 2 months here and my chin ups have fallen from 12 to 9. sucky ...

yups. i shall forfeit duty rest tmr for battalion pt. cheers! waters boiling. and like i was saying. earlier. i net. and my warm beverage awaits me.

let my life be your clay,
mould me in your way...

2008-12-05T09:30:00.002+08:00

ok. i m in camp. pretty much a free morning cus my boss isnt around. i did wad i had to do first thing in the morning. as for the not so important stuff. i guess they can wait till later.

i really did think that COPA was a slack job. i guess i pretty much forgot the essence and the purpose of being here. i thought it would just be updating CO's calendar and collecting and passing him stuff to sign. apart from that, its just cereal , tea, gym and inet. i m was gladly mistaken. after such a huge blast at Asia Conference and a great week that followed. i must say that this week was a step back with regard to spiritual things.

'when something loses its purpose, its reality fades'

and i got that quote off kc's blog which is really an inspiration for me. but its true, i guess for the past weeks, the freedom and perks of this job have overwhelmed me to such an extent that i forgot about excellence, about going beyond the call of duty, about doing exceedingly and abundantly (i mean God does that, so why not us as people made in his image). i forgot about all the things i did that allowed God to use me and bless me with this job. the purpose of being a COPA became a mere fantasy of laziness and going through the motions and an over indulgence in fun.

i guess here comes the need to always remind ourselves. how much purpose means to us.

cling on and never forget ...

2008-12-04T11:16:00.002+08:00

sigh. as a liverpool fan. watching their performances in the league kinda leaves me with a bittersweet feeling. i mean like on one hand despite shitty performances, they are top of the league. but the question of how long they can retain the league is the kinda fear that creeps into my heart everytime i look at the league table. i start wondering why didnt we beat stoke, fulham and west ham. last season i remember, we were heading for the same sort of stalemate with fulham before a torres brace settled things. personally. i m a real fan of liverpools youth team. and i believe some youngsters shud at least be given chances on the bench. not david ngog. but players hu have actually graduated from the youth and reserve sides.

i feel, dossena has to go. benayoun has to go. hyypia has to go. degen has to go. pennant has to go.

Jose 'Pepe' Reina
Diege Cavalieri
Dean Bouzanis (next season he should be given a chance in the league cups and fa cup matches)

Jamie Carragher (i feel he can take over the mantle of the senior mentor from Hyypia in the team)
Jack Hobbs (an ex reserve team captain, i feel that he should be given more chances to impress, especially in the league cups and fa cups)
Jay Spearing (being a defensive midfielder, i believe he can hone his skills and reading of the game to take over the mantle of captain from Gerrard in afew years time as the midfield general)
Daniel Aggar (we really need to keep him, i feel he has a really distinct style of play, being able to bring the ball forward as well, the perfect partner for Skrtel when Carragher eventually takes the backseat)
Martin Skrtel

Emiliano Insua (I feel hes less injury prone then Aurelio and looks better then Dossena, hes also been in England for awhile and more settled as well probably used to the style of play, had a handful of games at the end of last season, so really feel he should be given a chance)
Fabio Aurelio (When he is fit, i feel he can play rather decently, however, keeping fit is the problem, so i feel he really ought go. An alternative would be to push the left footed aggar to fill the left back void. Keep him till the end of the season and offload him the next)

Alvaro Arbeloa
Stephen Darby (Another youth product. Rafa has personally said he was ready. and as the reserve team captain and highly rated in the reserve and youth sides, i feel he ought to be given a go)

Javier Mascherano
Xabi Alonso
Damien Plessis (Developing youngster, has had his share of decent but also not so decent games, nevertheless, based on inexperience and some good performances, feelings he merits a stay in this side)
Lucas (I also feel we should give him a chance, glimpses of his quality here and there, he won the same awards previously won by Kaka and Carlos Tevez and as the former captain of the under 20 brazilian side, u dont get that kinda stuff for being a bad player. i feel he needs to go for some weight training cus he looks pretty lightweight and has to be given more time, if all else fails, sending him to italy would be a good option.

Albert Riera
Ryan Babel
Adam Hammill (really impressive out on loan for the last 3 seasons, highly rated by the staff at melwood and decent technique, known for creativity and the ability to dribble, a passionate scouser and a mix of talent could be wad rafa really needs and has been looking for on the wing.)

Dirk Kuyt
Paul Anderson (showed great potential, done pretty well out on loan, impressive during his time in the reserves and youth team, one to watch for the future.)

Robbie Keane
Steven Gerrard

Fernando Torres
Krisztian Nemeth (A youngster with brilliant tricks, flicks and a good goals per game ratio. really impressive and looks like he could make a future star. really worth a shot)

What i feel is, this squad along with maybe at best one more 20 million quality signing at the fullbacks or wingers area would really be one that would give liverpool a push for the title. as for the best. the youngsters have waited and trained long enough. why not give them a shot. some scousers, most english and some quality foreigners raring to prove themselves. why not??

2008-12-03T14:08:00.003+08:00

funny incident number 1:
my boss told me he wanted RSM to sit in his meeting. so i called my RSM's number on the contact list. and only after talk for half a minute. i realised i called the wrong person and i called my RQ instead. worst of all. i was speaking in chinese.
my RSM, Regimental Sergeant Major is chinese
my RQ, Regimental Quartermaster is an indian

funny incident number 2:
i went to my boss' office to tell him that s1 would be coming for the meeting soon, B2 (Battalion 2IC) was there as well. 2 weeks ago. my upperstudy and i, were in CO's office, and sometimes when people pass stuff over to CO (my boss) and B2, they kinda get identical stuff, so when we saw a cup in CO's office that resembled that of B2's, we just thought it was the same old, give them both the same gift and it was from some army guy or sth.

little that we know, for some unexplainable reason, the cup in CO's office was the cup that B2 had been looking for. and when i told them i thought they both each had a cup that looked like that. they burst out laughing.

CO: yea la. i was wondering how come there was this funny looking cup that appeared on my table.
B2: this cup was from my girlfriend. how would CO have the same cup as i.

and i was just trying not to laugh. haha.

2008-11-24T10:39:00.002+08:00

haha. i realised that i varied so many of my passwords for various accounts that i cant remember which is for which. bummer. i really need to get them written down in my wallet or smt.

anyway. Asia Conference was over. i must say its been a great experience. Sometimes i feel that some of us as believers, we dont have the discipline to dwell long enough in God's presence for Him to reveal anything to us. so i guess 5 days of being thoroughly soaked in his presence is an excellent kickstart!!

for one. God kept speaking to me about the people out there. i have always felt a great burden for people that have great potential but waste their lives away or people who are great at achieving all they wanna achieve but in truth, but lack purpose and direction in life. it burdens my heart and i feel pain everytime i think of them. i really feel this heaviness in my heart. cus to me, theres so much more. and i always think of this lyric in Stacy Oricco's song More To Life "There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me". i always never thought much of wad God implanted in my heart but throughout the conference, the Holy Spirit really renewed my mind especially on insulation and penetration, and impacting the person to change the community he or she is in. and i guess i wanna give it a good go for once.

oh and btw. just wanted to talk about all the stuff i read on STOMP about the Benny Hinn thing. i believe that most of the people there who post stuff are christians who dont support Benny Hinn cus of all the stuff that we hear and read on the net. I am first to admit that i have read all these stuff as well and doubts have also lingered in my mind about this man, but the truth is all these are second hand information, and we have no insider info, neither can we truly judge based on wad we hear and see. but having been to 3 of his services in the last 4 years. i guess wad i can relate my personal experience. the first two services i have been to have been good. the third one i would say was not too bad myself. in his services, wad i feel and know is indeed a move of the Holy Spirit. this is seen by loads of people including those around me like my frens and girlfriend falling in the power of the Holy Spirit. i myself have felt a strong heating sensation and well as uncontrollable shaking in my legs. while some of these may sound very far fetched. for me being to various churches and being from a tradtional church for 15 years of myself before i started attending city harvest, i guess i have been through enough points of views and perspectives and practices to know how experiencing the holy spirit is like (even thou i still do have a long way to go), so in his services there definitely is a move in the spirit in terms of healing and people experiencing the holy spirit in a real way.

however, i had reservations about some of the stuff that he was preaching and saying. but like it says in the word

"Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good."

i guess even men of God arent necessarily the most perfect. we all know that only Jesus was tempted in all ways but yet was of no blemish. if you and i make a mistake, no one would bother as much. but if a popular preacher or celebrity or pop star makes a mistake. these kinda stuff are immediately thrust into the spotlight. so all i have to say is that, we have to learn to discern what is right from wad is wrong. just cus u make a mistake in the things u say. it doesnt make u a bad person. its just imperfect nature. but at the same time, we have to differentiate and know wad we can accept and practice and what we cannot and at the same time open our hearts to receive so we dont 'quench' wad is truly from God.

its not easy. thats why we pray, read the word and spend time in with the Holy Spirit. so that in wisdom and in discernment. we know wads going on. thats why Christianity is a relationship and not a religion. just a side note. if something is really from God, it can be found throughout the entire Bible and as u pray about it, u feel the peace of God. heh. dont let anything stop u from receiving wad God wants u to receive in a Benny Hinn or in fact any service. Just discern. God bless and cheers!!

2008-11-19T00:24:00.003+08:00

ok. woots. i m back from camp. dont know how some officers do things. they go outfield tmr. and they send their documents for signing like 2 minutes before the end of the workday when the guy hus supposed to be signing (who happens to be my boss is busy with an ongoing division wide event).causing unnecessary fluster. if ur an OCT reading, please please please do not be like that after u pass out. but no offence to the officer la, hes usually a nice guy. but how many of us know that nice guys and nice guys at the workplace are totally different beings.

anyway. i seriously think i m the kinda burst ur bubble, in ur face kinda person. to the people i m close to la. and more often then not, they dont really thank me for it. haha. u might say i m the kinda guy hu believes the best way to get to u is to slap u in the face.

ah wells. thats just me. things have to change la. i just tagged something on my god-sister's blog that was blatantly honest but true. and now i feel like i was too impulsive and giving a bad account of myself on the blogosphere. bummer.

oh and me and ian decided that poor officer in the nsf context is an oxymoron.

its Asia Conference tmr. heh. i m pretty excited!!

2008-11-15T19:00:00.003+08:00

hallo. i m sitting on this chair impatiently waiting for the early kickoff between liverpool and bolton at 845pm. and i m trying to waste as much time as possible before going for dinner and hopefully be back just before the match starts. not too early and not too late.

haha. i love my parents but i dont particularly miss them. i guess being a single child and constantly having to deal with the fact that i used to have little people with the same frequency as me at home, got me used to the whole i can probably live alone thing. but nevertheless. i remember how much i missed home during confinement during bmt as well as my first hellish week at jurong camp, and i guess i ll still be glad when they come back from taiwan tonight.

its been quite an eventful week. i guess its kinda good that shixian is clearing his offs and leaves cus i kinda get a preview of wads gonna happen to me next feb when he finally ords. i think i ll be bored stiff in the office cus i have no one to talk to and no one to seek guidance from and no one with big enough balls to ask questions i wouldnt dare to ask at this point in time. haha. but to put it in a more crude way. i think my balls would have grown by then. hahaha. pardon my disgusting statement.

oh and i wanna frickin complain man. super annoyed. rats are just so retarded. ok fine. i mean like it was kinda my fault to leave the used tea bags and sugar packets in the dustbin and not clear it till this morning. but the rat actually bit the tea bags and messed up my carpet with tea leaves. guess the rat was also trying to clear leaves. HAHA! in the end. i think the one who ended up clearing leaves was me. OMS. thats such a bad joke. lol.

ok. so i booked out this morning after i was done with duty clerk. i felt so lethargic when i woke up. lol. i felt like i could just nua in the ops room. but book out was just too enticing. heh. so i got back and settled the clothes washing.

anyway. cheers to all and may liverpool win! may darby start! may torres score! may keane continue scoring! and may gerrard add to his six goals against the bolton number 1 keeper whose name i dont know how to spell.

dinner time! bye!

2008-11-11T08:57:00.002+08:00

i m in a foul mood. havent had a particular rosy morning.

i knew i shouldnt have cut back on the cash when i visited kap last night. now i feel hungry and i really shud have gotten some cereal. as for sleep. i just couldnt sleep last night. all the r and b madness that i listened with manda kept playing in my head. oms. either that or my body just wasnt used to jurong camp after like 9 hours on shellys very comfortable bed. now my back aches. argh.

and to make things even more horrible. my phone died. my alarm didnt ring i woke up at 655am and had to fly down for roll call. and i only went up to brush my teeth after that. talk about feeling disgusting man. then battalion pt. like almost 3/4 of the battalion wasnt around. it was freaking siannn!! den i disappeared to the office and realised they were looking for me after. bah. i shud have just stayed in the bunk with shixian or stick around the s1 department instead of going for the stupid pt. it wasnt much pt anyway.

crummy morning. freakin' hell.

2008-11-07T07:48:00.002+08:00

bah. i m annoyed with myself for getting into shit. lol. i m still quite sleepy even thou i think i fell asleep at 9 plus after one chapter of the bible and after setting my alarm clock that i did not hear even after my body clock woke me up at 638am.

then in the half dazed mode i went down. clealy a look in the office and u gotta know i had stuff to do. but i went to volunteer my services to the marshallers when i shud have just stayed in the office. i m like thinking to myself. wad the heck did i do that for. haha. ah wells.

2008-11-06T13:26:00.002+08:00

heh. been awhile since i blogged. i m zoned out man. missed the timing for afternoon nap cus of the late lunch. stupid cookhouse and its western food conspiracy theory.

anyway. just an update on how my ns life has evolved over the last 2 weeks. i came back after my super long weekend. COPA. i guess i really like it here. haha. i mean like all the clerks are like people hu went to JC or Poly. They speak as well as if not better then me. They are all heading to uni. And that aside, theres a greater frequency match i guess. as for my upper study, shi xian. hes good. haha. former sji guy. we both speak horrible chinese.

hes on off today so i guess i have the whole office to myself. i guess i have my strenghts but if i could meet his standard of being a good PA and add it to my fondness for detail and organisation, i think i would be pretty happy with myself. i mean like u ask me to do things, i ll do them the best i know how. but i can be quite a scatterbrain and i have crappy short term memory. so haha. PAs cant have bad memory, one way or the other.

back to my zoned-out-ness. yea. i kinda slept like 3 hours last night typing the documents. lets say. i was done when the champions league matches ended. haha.

ah wells. my B2 (not a walking talking banana in pyjamas) but Battalion 2IC told me not to be so garang and just work office hours or i ll burn out. and come to think about it, its not like we wanna be slack or anything. but sometimes, we overwork ourselves simply because we see the need to even when others, those who would like us to, but see the need not to, do not expect us to. haha. dear reader. i bet that last line was a catch no ball line. how not to burn out. i mean strength from God is one thing. but managing your drive and managing your body. its just like Hamilton right. u always wanna go all out. but sometimes u have to just initiate that little bit of restraint so u dont crash at the vital moments and so we get that consistent championship winning ride to the podium finish, not just once, but time and time again.

Its not about just lasting the race. Its about lasting the season. Accelerate when you need to, not when u want to.

2008-10-23T22:36:00.002+08:00

heh. i m into the new Killers song. Humans. i just think its nice. i realised Krystal Meyers went mainstream too. awesome stuff.

anyway. today was my last day doing armskote duty. i sat in the armskote. thinking. wads gonna become of this place after i leave. i have a lazy replacement and a corner cutting ex-colleague. sounds like a pretty dodgy combination. i seriously fear for my OC. i mean like hes been really nice and supportive of me, since i got that letter from the MO saying my back couldnt take stores and throughout the time my knee took to heal. he gave me this armskote job and USMS, invitation cards, notice boards, even passed me for FPC even thou i dropped out of training to do armskote, lasly, he recommended me for the COPA job. i wish i could clone myself for him. haha. anyway. i think i ll really miss Charlie. today i was watching the Chain Of Command run from the armskote. and i saw how we won. and how the whole company banded together as one support and as one united team.

i just wonder if moving over to HQ will feel the same. obviously not.

and i m thinking to myself why m i listening to high tempo and upbeat songs when i feel so tired. i swear i did 5 days worth of administration in one day. parked my ass on the chair. and just filled the documents one by one.

anyway. i must say that moving over to Jurong Camp was really a disappointment. and i guess i deviated alittle time to time. but i really wanna thank God. i m not the most faithful or the most guai kid. but i knew that You would come true for me. that i make my own mistakes. and if people knew me better and got closer, i guess they would be able to spot the blemishes. i m just thankful that u taught me how to work around people. how to make friends and keep them close but keep the dodgy ones even closer. i m just thankful that putting on a spirit of excellence and professionalism in to everything add that with leaning on You even if my praying usually only happens in 5 minute spells or before mealtimes has helped me shine for you, has helped me speak into the lives of others. thank You for the windows of opportunities. thank You for favour of men. thank You for the new appointment!

2008-10-04T18:46:00.002+08:00

my dear readers. who are few and far between. either that or just cant be bothered to tag. shall be treated to an extra entry since at this time next week. i ll be serving a weekend duty and probably doing absolutely nothing except study my SATS book.

after speaking to khong today. i might actually stick to NUS FASS. but i need to find out more first. haha.

anyway. i just wanna say. sian. and sorry. but i know that You will help me get through this and get past this. that in my weakness. i ll find Your strength. and in my despair. You ll bring me hope.

2008-10-04T16:34:00.002+08:00

spent some times with people aside from my girlfriend and my parents and God who have shaped my life in a great way.

i was kinda thinking, whether in God's purpose or in the realistic sense. i have such a long way to go.

for all those out there who are studying or gonna study. do u know wad ur studying. why ur studying. and wads gonna happen after ur done studying. have u made plans about ur future. u know. people often say things like. i cant see so far ahead. its not in my nature to plan. or i like to play by ear. or we just see wad happens. even if i didnt say the cliche line 'do you know that if u fail to plan, u plan to fail.' i pity these people who never think about the future. or only have limited thought or understanding of wad they wanna do in at least the next 5 years of their life. cus they always be stuck in the cycle of asking themselves. what now? everytime they reach crossroads.

u know. today i realised that thought about the future and limited thoughts about the future are totally different things. we act like they are one and the same. we either form the big picture or look at the small details. but never both. yet. both are essential. some people dont know what to study. so they pick anything. some people pick something they wanna study, but they dont know wad for or where they are headed to. some people just study or do things cus its a natural course of life. not finding satisfaction or fulfilment. end of the day. these three groups amount to nothing much right.

if ur reading this post. u might think i m an asshole. but i m just thinking about a truth that hit me today and very much applies to me as well. alot of things about this life i have yet to find out. thats why we have to grow up fast with the luxury kid and teen years. before life. future and purpose catch up with us. of which we are left clueless and utterly helpless. and finding God ll make it right but it ll still compound to the regret we feel from the years that we have let pass going nowhere.

Remember Your Creator in the days of your youth. This verse used to be large and staring at our faces in barker. if only people would realise God and every other thing to do with God is supposed to give you life, rather then take ur life away.

2008-09-27T11:02:00.002+08:00

walao. my skin is still a cow with no legs.

another mundane book out. i swear i was so tired and i was walking so slowly that people must have thought i was mad. cus u know book outs are usually the kinda things that work more healing miracles than Benny Hinn. u know, the lame dont just walk, they run. and it just pisses me off that book outs matter more then taking something meaningful or purposeful out of ns life. sometimes i look at the octs in safti, and i always ask myself 2 questions, wad would have happened if i realised this earlier and wad would have happened if my knee didnt get screwed. anyway. back to meaningful and purposeful ns life. i mean like book outs are essential. u need to spend time with ur loved ones and so on. i would probably be quite miserable without book outs but i earnestly pray that the whole world stop pining for book outs and relentlessly chasing them at the expense of responsibility and work quality.

and so i was taking that slow walk down the road thats in the middle of the vehicle holding areas which was the short cut to the guard house. i looked at the markings oo the floor which resembled that of a badminton court. it can never be removed. wad will fail are attempts to conceal. and even if these attempts succeed. the road will never look the same again. looking at that markings of the badminton court made me imagine what this place could have been before it was converted to a vehicle holding area and the memories and fun people could have shared here. heh. its kinda like our lives aye. even if we decide to move on, there will be some things that can never be removed. covering and concealling will forever change us. and wad remains are thoughts of wad has been or wad could have been. so today. repaint the lines or let them fade to black ... i wonder

2008-09-22T23:22:00.004+08:00

the following conversation (with commentary) took place in Charlie Office this morning.

PTE Nicholas Tan (with the invitation card he dedicated a part of this weekend into doing): Sir, i did the invitation card. do u wanna take a look and comment, then the next book out i can alter it or change certain parts of it.

LT Xing Yao: WOAHHHHH! (in the extremely loud manner of which he always expresses himself) YOU ACTUALLY DID IT AH! I SERIOUSLY DIDNT EXPECT YOU TO DO IT! not bad ah. eh. you hang on to it first. later i show OC.

a short hour later.

LT Xing Yao (approached PTE Nicholas Tan when he was revamping the attendance board for Platoon Sergeant): NICHOLAS AH! Can you pass me the card that you did. (after receiving it, shows it to OC, CPT Lim Yu Kai)

CPT Lim Yu Kai: This is quite well done. But it lacks one thing. The unit logo. Then try to alter it abit. This card looks very suitable for D & D events. But i need something easier to mass produce. Something like a postcard can already. (CPT Lim Yu Kai stops and ponders for approximately 5 seconds). OK! Tonight you book out and do. Tomorrow night you book in.

PTE Nicholas Tan: (absolutely stunned but exploding with jubilation on the inside at the prospect of being allowed to book out even if it was just to design an invitation card) uh...ok. thank you sir. (tries to suppress a smile)

ok. haha. so thats the story and reason i m back home like barely a day after i booked in. but bummer man. i feel so tired. and the logo is quite a hard thing to play with. i m actually quite stressed. i wanna do something nice and presentable, if not outstanding so i justify the decision to let me spend a day at home. but i m squeezed dry man. God Help Help! You got me here! You got me here ...

a cow went off the computer

2008-09-06T23:51:00.003+08:00

what we did yesterday night
after eating @ Ritz Apple Strudel

Resident muscleman's back profile.

Our muscleman can do a pull-up on the monkey bars.

Hello cow, made me your secretary & redo your smelly blog for you while you're on the phone saying how grumpy you are. Haha. Anyway here are some pictures to brighten up your blog.

Love, me :)

2008-09-06T15:05:00.003+08:00

hallo. i m like listening to music while typing this blog. and this headset is freaking freaking freaking cool. haha. its like wireless. so i can listen to music from my comp when i walk to the kitchen to drink water, i can listen to music from the comp in my room and even when i m shitting hahaha!

2008-08-31T09:13:00.003+08:00

rarr. i feel so weak and fragile nowadays.

like how sitting on this chair and staring at this comp for too long makes my back hurts. like how my knees cant take stairs and so i struggle up like at least 5 times a day in camp. and how i thought i could run but i couldnt. how i seem to be getting headaches more and more often. the fever came and went. the cough and the flu is still here. my tummy had a major clearout this morning. blah. i feel sickly man.

maybe this was the whole psychological thing that evans was talking about when u start to down pes for ur injuries. u create that sort of mental block to add to the injury that makes u feel so dam disabled. i miss being active and i miss soccer. then again. field camp cant be that bad. survivor camp wasnt bad. tekong and SIT TEST were gruelling but they were alright. maybe i shouldnt have pushed for an OOC despite my injuries. maybe i shud have endured. maybe i shud have put on a different mentality from the start of ns. i blame myself sometimes when i think about it. i hate limiting myself. but i did. it was my choice. but guess wad. u influenced it. could u imagine how u would feel if i had to go for exercise hotcakes, exercise cub, exercise bear, cresendo, LMW Field Camp, CEC Field Camp and the list goes on... i made my choices with u in mind. have u ever made yours thinking about me.

mistakes and more mistakes. i ll try not to look back. but i know that armskote has my 100 percent. even if it means extra weekend duties. the real nicholas tan shall hide no more. the real nicholas tan shall limit himself no more...

2008-08-30T21:44:00.002+08:00

hallo.

weekends again. thank godness. i was starting to get sick of the peon politics in camp. hahahahaha. funny how karma comes back to hit those people in their asses. ok la. i havent been that a good boy recently. still cant get over the stupid problem. but like wad the word says man. they ll come in one way and flee seven. hahaha.

havent been feeling really well since wednesday. had fever. but didnt go to the mo. siao right. den thursday i felt slightly better. this morning my phlegm was like dirty green. omgsh. must have tried to internally mimic the colour of my t shirt yesterday.

anyway. i bought a shirt today at graphite. it was average. but it was cheap la. helped my low budget. even thou i would have preferred the dc comics joker tee. but it was almost 50 bucks and would have fried my atm card.

i didnt know how to feel today. didnt know whether to be sad or angry. in the end i felt more of the former. decided to make myself happier by spending some time alone and running alittle with high tempo music when i came home. but my knee couldnt even take 4 rounds around the park which was like 1.6 km. i really dont know how to get it to heal. the physio keeps procrastinating my treatment cus the stupid gym is undergoing renovations. wth.

i dont know if i wanna go left or go right. i told myself. i couldnt let go of the armskote. i had to make sure the standard was there. if anyone didnt meet the standard. i had to make it up for them to the best of my capabilities. even thou these people would often get on my nerves. well. but like my dad said. sometimes. in something where people do things collectively, whether its two people, male and female. or four armskotemen. maybe sometimes, u need to learn to leave things be, so that others can learn and learn to take initiative. wadever it is. i hope i ll never have to stand by the sidelines and watch my dad's words being proved wrong.

2008-08-21T23:46:00.003+08:00

hey. back early from camp this week.

funny how. michael buble's home was stuck in my mind all week. and now that i m out of camp. i dont feel all the happy. pressures all over the place. from the people that matter most to me. i pray that over time, God ll help me resolve these issues that seem to be tugging and pulling me down. issues seem to be trying to convince me that staying in camp might be the best thing afterall, even thou i know that isnt true.

i guess the routine cycle of being an armskote man is gonna set in soon. and i ll probably lose the excitement i had from the first 5 days of work. and some people in work add pressure as well. the HQ bunkmates arent the most ideal to live with. thank God i spend only the days in HQ bunk and the nights with platoon 8, section 1. haha. now i feel so attached to platoon 8 section 1. i dont wanna move over to HQ. but thats life la. eventually when i have to shift. i ll have to deal with a different kinda hardship. somethings gonna give.

but armskoteman. i feel its more beneficial to me la. alot of things require efficiency and immediate response. i guess i m capable of good work. but lack the speed and responsibility to carry them out till the end. guess this job will teach me a thing or two that i didnt learn in council.

anyway. been thinking alot quite afew days la. i think its time to move up a notch. as a person, my character, emotional, physical, spiritual aspect. start to think about the future in a less childish and stubborn way. time to grow up nicholas tan.

2008-08-01T23:11:00.003+08:00

hallo. i m back. i thought i would never get to blog till tmr afternoon. but its all good la. sorry i doubted You.

anyway. its been a physically draining week. really hot man. spent hours out in the scorching sun. doing sai kang. yea its like now i have a tan line for a pt singlet and another layer from my smart four. retarded. lol. its almost like i m wearing a v neck and a singlet on top. disgusting. i m gonna see the physio on monday. my back and my knee seems to be getting worse. the whole sand bag lifting and long periods of standing sure didnt do any favours. God knows how my body will take it when J Q Sng calls for a seven minute fbo next week.

anyway. spiritually. this week it picked up again. the touch i had on sunday was a really nice one. and i m reading good morning Holy Spirit. not totally back yet la. but i felt Him so much more this week and He spoke to me loads while i was reading the word. from isaiah 12, to the fig tree, to matthew 1 - 2 and so much more. and thank God for Jeremy. we prayed together the other night. Hes so much more sensitive to the Spirit then i am la. i guess its just a part of me to always talk and not listen. haha. thats why i dont hear as much from him.

feeling quite xing ku right now. well. i m thankful that You gave me the strength just now to resist temptation. kinda depressed right now la. lift my spirit ok. one weekend. so many things to do. rarr.

2008-07-26T21:14:00.003+08:00

took a hasty walk down the neighbourhood. noticed the ramp they built beside the steps that lead up to bukit ho swee. went to do an evening pull up regime. noticed the satay man selling satay. he was at the badminton court. he used to be at the staircase behind 2B.

funny how i used to walk slowly and enjoy the peace and serenity. used to love the freshness of the early morning or late evening air. cus cars and people were few. surrounded by silent civilization. everything was so surreal. when i was out at chalets or overseas on holiday. i used to enjoy the feeling. of not being pressured, of not being suffocated. of having ur own space. today i just zoomed past. no time for appreciation wadsoever anymore. but mere glances brought back memories.

i always think of that month in new zealand. it was just fun fellowship. it was cool. it was relaxed. i loved it. heh. i need a holiday. take me back to wellington. and i need to work out. 10 days of not running and i put on 0.5kg. scary stuff.

has there ever been something so corrupted that it could never be made clean again.
has there even been a mind so stupefied that it could never appreciate the cultured once more.

ponder ponder...

2008-07-20T08:53:00.003+08:00

blog 650. another milestone i guess. NOT.

went to catch the dark knight yesterday. the movie was awesome i have to say. ran into pauline and desmond. yea. back to the movie. i guess the movie wasnt awesome for the coolness of the new bat suit or the bat pod. but i guess this movie emphasizes on characterisation, runs deep on social themes, symbolisms and the human psyche. looks like my kinda movie huh. it goes right up there with sweeney todd, iron man and transformers under the list of favourite movies since the oceans series and the LOTR trilogy, thou the transformers was mainly cus of the CGI effects.

anyway. it was an interesting thought, that under dire circumstances, two boatfulls of people, one criminals and one civilians could do much better, wrestling with their inner demons and selfish thoughts as compared to one man, the man they looked up to and was supposedly incorruptible. and then again. life often presents us with choices we dont wanna make. ponder ponder..

ok. i m on 3 day mc. tendinitis in my knee and in my achilles heel. shin splints and acute back strain. severe pes planus with pain at the heel and arch. yeap. that probably sums up my injuries that gave me a 6 month temp downgrade 3 months of status excuse off rmj, heavy loads and outfield. not the nicest feeling cus i feel disabled. cant play soccer. face the possibility of losing fitness. initially, i was thinking of just down pesing for flat feet and coming up with some crap. but then through 2 weeks of cec training. everything got worse. went to see a specialist. and my muscles are at this state at this point in time. i cant even do stairs or hanging clothes without some form of discomfort. and in all honesty. it is quite depressing. i m mean like, i m probably on course for a post out, which was wad i had always hoped for. but now i start to question. would i prefer not to have these injuries and carry on, healthy and normally. ponder ponder..

i woke up at 0515 this morning. went back to bed. maybe its cus i m kinda tired out with life la. u know. i cant seem to be honest and pour out my feelings to u, without u feeling like i m blaming u, or getting disappointed then trying but failing to hide it and making me feel so distressed by the fact ur evening trying cus its not working. sometimes i also dunno if i can share that much with u anymore la. then at one point in time, u said u would help. when i eventually asked u to, u didnt. the excuse is it means different things to different people. well. u could have found alternatives and many options and ultimately choose the most suitable. or was zouk to accompany a fren a more appealing kinda help to u. ponder ponder..

in recent weeks. been really kinda overwhelmed. life as a christian. life as the son of my parents. life as the boyfriend of my girlfriend. life as a soldier of the SAF. life surrounded by Poly and Phd people. life surrounded by ITE people. i kinda used to live in my small little idealistic hole. and now that i m exposed to the real world. funny how a person who used to think he was so orientated suddenly seems so lost. u know. the other day. i was sitting under the inclined pull up bar. and i saw this little ant scurrying about. i was like thinking. arent i like some ant. in the nest, i feel at home, i feel like i know everything, i feel like i m not control. its my world, and its my size. it is within my capacity and my capability. i m probably one of the best, in the world of ants. but out of the nest in the real world. overwhelming. crossing from one end to the other end of a metre wide concrete slab must have been the greatest challenge of the buggers life. cus i saw it running around in circles. and as an ant. suddenly. life could throw something out of the blue. like some dumbass human hand (that belonged to yours truly), and have it smack right on top of u and almost kill you. so i sat there and saw it sorta limp. and i was thinking. its gonna die man. little did i know, after like looking up to listen to my commander talk for about half a minute. the bugger was gone. life is definitely overwhelming. shit definitely happens. but i guess from one of the smallest organisms visible to our naked eye with the potential to crawl up our pants and bite our asses, we can learn a thing or two about perseverance, we can learn a thing or two about surviving overwhelming circumstances. perhaps. and perhaps not. experiences and exposure can really be the banes of our existence, or the cornerstones of our development. sometimes. its really hard to tell the difference. ponder ponder once more..

would be nice to go on a short trip overseas. just to get away and unwind. not with my parents cus they ll drag me all over the place when i m an own time own target kinda tourist. hiaz. if not for army..

2008-07-06T08:31:00.002+08:00

hallo.

i m like back from camp. confinement next week for live firing rarr! and rushing a post so i can bathe and go meet her.

anyway. kinda funny how warped our perceptions of love can be sometimes. we think we know but the truth is we dont. haha. find the wrong things in the wrong people. then funny how we move from line to line, not knowing where and wad we are stepping into. not knowing the difference. imposing things on the partner and the relationship. its two way la. ah wells. somehow. the world needs to be love-educated.

and i love this saying. heh. i heard it the other time. and its those cliche pocket prayers. but i think of we hold on to the essence of this prayer. we would have much less grey hair. much better adaptation and healthier relationships. haha.

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference.'

and i like Spanish. haha. they had the sky is the limit in Spanish in the papers and other day. and the sentence just looks so cool to pronounce.

on a sidenote. u know. sometimes. i dont know why. its not that i love God and also not that i have no desire to chance. but sometimes. i really do look at how i used to be. look at all the things thats holding me down now. and look at all the difficulties i have. i dont know if i ll ever measure up to that standard. cus i have fallen. and while falling. i have tried to hold on to all the hanging branches and climb bit by bit only to once again fall. call it self doubt. call it overly dependent on my own strength. but my self esteem isnt wad it used to be. my faith isnt either. its all tall order. it was tiring even when i was on fire. let alone now. and the truth is. everyday i feel so drained at the end of the day. its like the old army saying, "wah shagged ah, cannot think ah." but its kinda true. but that same old verse always comes back to me. as old and as cliche as it may be. but to me, my mental is killing me, my injuries are getting worse, i guess i m only willing to start not in the perfect circumstances cus thats just not possible, but rather when i no longer feel i m in dire straits. but i know Your listening to me when i talk to You, and u listen to me grouses and u read my messages and You know my thoughts and You still love me cus i feel You around. and i thank You for that.

ok. off to bathe. and to her. u know wad darling. ur not the only one feeling guilty for wad happened. i love u. and i ll do something about it. hugs.

2008-06-18T20:07:00.003+08:00

my fingers still smell like onion ... today was fun. hahahha. went over to baby's in the morning. she was out. for her la selle interview which like was a majorly l0ng waste of time.

anyways. i made oreo cheesecake, minestrone soup and mushroom cream spaghetti! really outdid myself. i followed recipes and all. but i m sure all of us know that if cooking was that easy, chatek would probably close down. yea. so like for first try. the food turned out almost to my expectations. haha. just that i ran out of oreo cookies so my cake was void of toppings and the layer of cookie below was alittle uneven and the presentation looked not so nice. haha. at least it looked like a cake. my minestrone soup ended up being minestrone stew. cus i was like so hell bend on making the celery taste soft and nice that i kinda neglected the rest of the soup. lol. and it kinda got overboiled. the pasta was great thou! just ask baby. i didnt bribe her. and i ll bet my bottom dollar that she ll agree. haha.

baby came back and we watched ratatouille over lunch. lol. baby got lazy. so i kept kachaoing her after that. and she finally agreed grouchily. to get up and go downstairs with me. lol. we went to the gym. she like walked 0n the treadmill for 20 mins la. lazy bum. like she didnt even break sweat at all!

came home. and i realised i left my other set of clothes and house keys at her house. annoying.

oh and smu rejected me. i m feeling kinda sore about it. and its 817pm. i wonder why my parents arent home yet. ya. back to smu. i dunno if i shud appeal. u know. i had been thinking and praying alittle. i kinda feel that nus is the right place for me. but i just cant seem to let go of smu. i feel at ease and peaceful thinking about nus. but i feel so bu gan yuan about missing out on smu.

anyway. parents called me to go downstairs. haha. theres my answer to the last para. i shall blog again later. bye.

2008-06-16T21:37:00.002+08:00

hallo!

anyway. just a thought. u know. when i got into a relationship with julie. i swear i didnt know wad the hell i got myself into. and then its like through months of growing, reading, thinking, and loads of mistakes. i really thank God for a much clearer perspective. like i know where i wanna go and wad i wanna achieve. i know that each relationship has a purpose and a direction. for u and your partner to grow individually as well as together.

and then i look around. think back during jc life when every other idiot like me got attached like so frickin easily. its almost like u could throw a stone into the crowd and u d find someone hus probably attached. then out of jc life. i read blogs, i find people yearning to get attached. den i find some others hu keep getting attached. and others hu give me things like "i dont know, i cant predict the future" when i ask them if its gonna last. (baby, its not u!) and u keep thinking, and i guess most relationships dont work out cus of various reasons.

people are just in it for the moment. live for the passionate moments.
people dont have purpose and directions in their relationships.
people get attached for the sake of getting attached.
people get attached cus they are needy and they just need someone of the opposite sex.

wadever la. alot of reasons.

ah wells. how many people enter a relationship with the purpose to edify. i really wonder. where the guy is really the leader and the girl is really the supporter. where issues are ironed out. where they both have a clear vision.

and now we also know why married couples get divorced so often. i m keen not to make those mistakes. or die trying. haha.

2008-06-16T08:56:00.002+08:00

my first post bmt blog. yes yes. POP lo! haha.

anyway. last few days had been a blast. just woke up not too long ago. HAHA! yes. not too long ago. my tummy is like screaming for food. guess hes like used to the fact we eat at like 615am everyday. funny how my legs and my arms dont act like they arent used to the fact that i m not doing 5 bex in the morning. i think i ll work out at the gym and pull up bar over at baby's later.

its kinda funny. and this week is gonna pass really fast. haha. but the other day i woke up. i was like half dazed. i was folding the blanket. and i stood there for 2 seconds. confused. i was like. fold it sergeant major style right?! den i snapped out of it and went like holy smokes! my blanket is blue AND I M AT HOME. LOL! anyway. i m so enjoying cv life at the moment. if only someone would make my hair grow faster, that would really be a bonus.

haha. and i feel like playing soccer. wth. haha. i called matthew, den he was like overseas dunno where. hong yi was like in Mongolia?! haha. my first and last s0ccer match during bmt was great. felt majorly appreciated. maybe its the result of me dribbling a tennis ball in the study room so i play better in small spaces. haha. or maybe its the fact that i thrive better in high adrenaline, no tactics and scrappy matches.

and i m still waiting for that smu letter. my dad was like. just forget it and take the nus offer la. but i m not so sure leh. i kinda like both for different reasons. and unless an smu rejection leaves me with no choice. i d still like to consider both. however smu's handling of my application isnt very good advertisement thou.

yea. and did i say i wanna study the vocab part for sats. i think its really good. for all u nuts out there hu happen to read my blog. and suck in english like me, or suck more then me. go try studying it man. it ll save u 5 marks in compres and i ll make u much more verbose and proficient in the big words of the english language. haha.

just reflecting back. i m actually alittle sad and thinking about wad happened last tuesday. i remembered i was out preparing for games day when we were evacuated off the field. saw the fella go up the chopper. never thought the guy would never make it back. then the other ocs pilot, he was 2 batches before me in hawk company, the friend of my bunkmate. it all happens so close to home. my deepest condolences to all the friends and family members of these two guys.

but i just wonder. if God has a purpose for everything. then wad was the purpose for taking these guys away so early. before they had a chance to fully live out a life that they could have lived. didnt they have dreams and visions too?

2008-05-31T00:35:00.002+08:00

oms. i realised the last time i updated was like majorly long ago.

first friday book out in awhile. that message i got after soc really made my day. haha. didnt expect baby to come down all the way to the farthest east to meet me. had lunch at kfc. theres seriously something wrong with me. maybe if u looked at me during break in pjc canteen last year, it would have been like 2 plates of rice. now i cant even finish a zinger meal. lol.

pop in 13 days man. funny how at one point in time i was asking myself how i was gonna go thru 13 weeks and killing myself for ponning like close to all of hazel liew's pe lessons. haha. at least now its close to being over.

anyway. i got accepted in fass at nus!! keeping my fingers crossed for econs course at nus. the great irony that i m gonna end up majoring in econs one way or the other. the clueless subject of which i did not know how the hell i got an A for. and of course, my lousy language needs improving...

way past lights out timing. haha. i sent baby off to bed earlier cus i was like too zonked to talk to on the phone. somehow i seem more alive now. my complexion is getting horrible man. i wanna go for facial. haha.

somehow or rather. i feel like reading some of Shakespeare. just for the fun of it. and for some mental stimulation. haha. maybe i ll re look 12th night for all the homosexual themes and content.

2008-05-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

was in a really crappy mood just now. feel much better i guess.

army saps a hell lot out of you and if i dont learn how to think and how to compose myself and think in these situations. it ll probably stay as my achilles heel for as long as i live.

and i realised today that there are two sides of me. the winner and the loser. like sounds lame.

but wad i mean is. the winner feels like the wise, the witty, the full of confidence, able to handle adversity, composed, determined, never say die attitude, constantly inspired! the loser, the timid, the impulsive, the muddling and bungling, the lack of mental capacity, the emo, the beaten down. right now, i m like going through an overwhelming dose of the latter. and i feel like i m stuck and sinking. i wanna break through...

and ironman is pretty good too! not highly but recommended!

2008-04-12T23:51:00.002+08:00

yes. i m back from camp. at this utterly odd hour. feeling absolutely crabbish. was snapping at everyone, from my parents to the waiters. had a glass if white wine and a glass of red. i hate red. wish i could have had more of the white. beer would have sounded appealing if it was for the calories. ah wells. a bloody mary would be nice. still. at the end of the day. getting drunk aint my thing.

i m like ultra annoyed at the fact by this time tmr. i ll be back in my shithole. snoozing away. waiting for our 5bex the next morning. new recruits all around. almost makes u feel like some lao jiao. but they ll learn fast. they ll catch up. and cum pop, we ll be standing shoulder to shoulder, 2 weeks of confinement, we all go through it. we all learn to suck our fucking thumbs.

i must say that the last two days must have been the hardest days of bmt. its nice to finally go past that 4 week mark. nice to see familiar faces, ben soh, zhihao, glenn chau, darrell and i even saw jiayong to top the list. at least somehow or rather u dont feel alone. or that alone anymore. but shit happens i guess. ah wells. happened to seb. happened to underaged. even happened to sergeant alvin. we all learn to suck our fucking thumbs.

pardon the swearing la. just really sad and frustrated at the moment. even some inanimate green object with a shell and a tail thats lying on my bed feels a pain to look at.

2008-04-05T09:45:00.003+08:00

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
i love peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what i'ma saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
this is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family; 3rd time: A lá peaceful melody)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
No please, don't hesitate
no more, no more
It cannot wait
The sky is your's!

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. Its great la. i love it. i mean like. applying it to circumstances. its gonna go straight into our soundtrack. as for whether it ll eclipse the long time favourites of where is the love and boulevard of broken dreams remains to be seen. cus when i sit in came all day, listening to all that horny talk, being battered by sergeants if not by the germs that gave me one attend B, one strip to changi hospital and one attend c, at least i think of you. but lyrics are the sad, yet the not sounding so sad type and the tune is kinda perky. well at least it gives me that little bit of solace when i m in there.

2008-04-05T08:34:00.002+08:00

i m really miserable. miserable kinda sums up my life right now.

army army army. the idea of a conscripted fighting force. sigh. change is fine. we all go through change. but induced change is not. i mean like fine, one of u is gonna come and give me the bullshit about life and we are all subjecting to the bloody circumstances and we have to bloody learn how to deal with it. and we can always go on into the eternal debate about how all change can be categorised as induced change. please, spare me. and den at the ferry terminal, theres also that line about its not what you leave behind but what u gain in the end. to me, bullocks.

i mean like, whats the fricking point of having 8 solid pecs and a damn bloody buffed up body if u lose ur girlfriend in the process. whats the damn point of building up endurance and a 'strong mentality' when u lose touch of what the hell goes on outside the camp, and as a result u come out in 2010 as a person still living in 2008 and all that u built up is used to solve the difficulty it brought it the first place. irony. and you go to uni (assuming u could pass the interview cus 3 weeks of army life already made u a dud) being a total 100 times more duddy dud. wad is the damn point of being efficient, of being discipline, being able to bathe in 5 mins and change in 5 mins and be there early all the time when almost everyone else in the world outside camp is gonna frustrate you cus they arent gonna keep up with ur lameass regimental standard and you cant do a shit about it. and not as thou bathing and changing in 5 minutes is gonna earn u a spot in the Guinness book of world records or win u a gold medal at the Beijing Olympics. and in there, they bark instructions at you, they scream at u and u hear more swear words then u have ever heard in ur entire life, you come out being so snappy and so proficient at hurling verbal abuse that they might as well give you a badge for it. makes u a menace to society. doesnt it. makes me wonder, how come no one made swearing in the army a chargeable offence. i mean at least u end up with a more cultured society. and discipline is bullshit if u cant control urself not to swear. so in the end, u lose more then u could ever gain, and this whole thing has a major loophole. and seriously, no ones gonna really care when u tell them, i clocked 8 minutes for my IPPT run or i did the SOC in 8 seconds or i completed the 24 km route march and i went through field camp.

sometimes i seriously wonder wad the hell i m doing all this for. i mean like when u go in. u try to make the most of it. but the truth is that, this sucks. and if we were all so ept at leaving things behind. lot's wife would not have turned into a pillar of salt. and we would forfeit almost everything that made us human. robotic regimental soldiers who swing forward 90 and back 45, programmed to the 7 core values, but werent we made to be just more then that...

2008-03-09T23:33:00.002+08:00

hey.

havent blogged since our eagerly anticipated results came out. it came as a major shock to me. both good and bad.

i remembered bitching to half the world how clueless i was when i did my econs papers. not knowing the difference between nominal and real interest rates. write 2 full pages on the asian charter in my international trade essay. doing the extremely crazy elasticity question. crapping about china brazil and russia and the whole supermarket drqs. maybe its because i held thru to God that he would carry me through for econs. and reagan reassured me that i would be fine too. and maybe its abit of a nudge in the career path he wants me to take. haha. the irony of it all. but we know that God turns our stumbling blocks into our new stepping stones. haha.

den the negatively shocking part. my class topping lit got a D. and my usually either average or occasionally above average GP went all the way down to an E. i guess God was teaching me about complacency. about dependency. and about exceedingly and abundantly only according to the power that works in US. if you dont write a GP essay or practice a compre for 2 entire terms before ur A levels. something crappy is bound to happen. if ur hailed as a genius but fail to submit a single piece of extra work while everyone else is doing it. den something crappy is bound to happen. life lesson learnt. haha.

still. i dont wanna look back. ever. its been like 3 near misses in my educational journey. i wanna change something. i remember telling myself. i wish i could record down this feeling of anger towards myself, and this anxiety and play it to myself if i ever lose my motivation again in the future. i hope taking SATs can consolodate my GP scores.

and i wanna thank baby for being really supportive. for trying to comfort me even thou she wasnt in the best of moods. for buying me the yoshi [yes, i like yoshi] soft toy to cheer me up. hahahhaa. i love u dear!

den theres another thing. ns. busy busy busy. stress stress stress. haha. caleb and evans gave me good advice tho. thanks alot! i really wanna be fitter for my baby la. so we look more physically compatible. shes so skinny and right now i m alittle to fat. even thou i manage to deceive most people with my broad shoulders that i m buff. hahahhaa. and i wanna look nice in clothes too.

yup. prolly one of the last few updates before i go in. baby dear! i love u! thanks for being strong for me! sorry i m too lazy to post any nice pics. haha.

2008-03-06T19:47:00.002+08:00

hey.

just got back not too long ago. had a nice brisk walk from far east to ps. went to daiso. finally found my sponge. hope i dont get the rude shock of finding it unsuitable for use when i open it. did quite abit of wrapping and letter writing last night. was quite satisfied with my design. heh. its gonna continue tonight i guess. despite the fact that my circumstances look grim.

u know. its funny how people view love. parents love their kids. but somehow the kids of my generation and those soon to come see our parents as anal, conservative, controlling, cant get off our backs, last to see with in town. then there are other stuff. love relationships, even loving ur fren enough to tell him, he or she needs to accept Jesus Christ into his or her life. loving someone enough to give them a frank opinion about their flaws. loving someone enough to stick by a person even when dealing with them feels like running through a live firing area during a live firing exercise. i find myself questioning, if no one truly appreciates love that isnt cheesy, that isnt romantic, that isnt hugs and kisses. then we are one heck of a demanding generation, or we simply dont know that love is. for me, love is what Corinthians says it to be. and even thou i know its not something i can fully live out, but i believe in this definition and my belief is what drives me to strive to achieve something as close to perfection as possible. wad is love? wad does it mean to u?

then another thought. u know sometimes, i wish i could be like Orsino or Othello or some silly literature character and yell sentences like, "The world is one great irony fulled with constant hypocrisy." makes u think twice about judging others, about disliking them for a certain character trait. makes u wanna examine yourself lest the same blemish can be found on urself. i wonder if anyone ever thinks about that. the beauty of literature is that it taught me how to appreciate thought and reflection. not to live life just purely for myself, not to live life not being able to embrace change, not live life not being to accept failure. thank God for the experiences i have been through. all my near misses, my rejections, my head on clashes and seemingly doomed relationships. they made me strong, more mature, made me the person i am today. if i never went through them, i might just be another empty shell of a person. we all enrol in the school of hard knocks from the day we are born. but what we take out of life, what we take out of this hands on providing curriculum, is truly up to us. what have you learned through life? how did it mould you and shape you to become the person you are today? have you ever thought about that?

heh. just some thoughts.

other news. results tmr. hope i can get into smu. i wont accept my worst case scenario until i m convinced that i cannot have my best. liverpool won 4-0 at anfield. another el nino hat trick. sweet stuff! free for lunch tmr. any takers?4 down, still 12 to go, but my heart hurts and my smile disappears thinking about that certain subject matter, can i still finish off those 12. at this point, 2 of them are signed and sealed but not yet delivered. is there a need to deliver those 2 and the rest. ns enlistment. 13 march. can hardly wait.

dinner time. gtg.

2008-03-03T01:00:00.002+08:00

ah wells. alittle annoyed cus the post i was typing accidentally got deleted while i was trying to check the everton pompey score.

yar. as i was saying. my long awaited update. yesterday was retarded. its either HMV or inflation. i cant believe i paid so much for it. but all for a good cause la.

its actually quite interesting that i m kinda in emotional turmoil right now. but funny i m like able to type this post in with an extremely calm disposition. i feel much better today. i mean like i really wanna thank God, not that i m that holy joe i used to be even thou i wish i was sometimes. i wanna thank him for the peace i am feeling now. that in the midst of all my problems, tears were pouring and are about to pour and roll down my cheeks, such is my sadness today. but i m not gonna lose control. feelings i cant stop. but sanity is within my control. decisions are mine to make. and i guess i have God to thank for it. cus many of us know this fact but few of us live it out.

and its like today i couldnt feel his presence much. i mean like especially the songs werent my favourite today. but after communion. after i let go of the nonsense that i had been doing and saying i would try my best to belt it out of my life, everything started to flow. and i could feel him. and at least the one of my left was singing. its quite a positive sign in my opinion. i mean thats how i started and considering how i m quite an open person. i hope he somehow treads down the same path and gets saved. heh. i mean its a concern and wish of mine cus he is a teen in the making, young, impressionable, and with loads of time on his hands. and i dont look down on kids in the normal technical. but from wad he tells me, he doesnt have the most decent company. and i just dont want him to be led astray. i want to help him find purpose and direction in life. i pray that he ll turn out good. at least i sowed the seed.

and i m quite sad that i m gonaa miss pastor phil's svcs actually. cus i like the ccc band. i think they are an anointed bunch and i love their praise and worship. i just wish we would sing 'here we go' and 'for all you are' in service. and i m quite happy i communicated with my mom today. at least she has an idea now that i m attached. and i managed to make her understand more about my character and how i think. even thou i must admit she is alittle stubborn and childish for a 50 year old. and skeptical too. i w0uld say shes pretty accurate. but there are times that she overestimates her understanding of me that makes her assume which is not so good la.

i must admit i m not the best in communication. i need to learn. today i remember explaining wad male by birth, men by choice meant to my cousin. and i realised, not just him but i still have a long way to go. but still i wanna thank God for helping me put some stuff into perspective. i realised i m at my eloquent best when i m anointed by the holy spirit. and i think i ll go now. heh. till my next update. ONE TWO THREE YES! haha!

2008-02-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

lol. have a sudden urge to listen to oasis. must be all the music ching was playing at work.

yay! on leave tmr. can spend time with baby.

but den again i know i dont express the vibe of enthusism.

work drained me. so did pineapple tarts and melon seeds. my nose was running before i took panadol which really really works. haha.

funny how each and every one of us are like computers. we have programs that make us run. these we cannot do without. GOD, my parents, my girlfriend, my family, my besties. den the rest are like football manager. these come and go, year by year, stage by stage. den many others we are linked to, by the internet or wadever, constantly needing to seek updates or we ll lose touch of these so called webbies. and whether ur internet connection is down or not, cyberspace continues to run, life goes on, losing touch sometimes is inevitable. but most importantly, make sure the hard disk doesnt crash. and always ensure, those factors, people, aspects that drive you, are constantly updated on and within the click of a mouse. and no pirated programmes please. haha.

2008-02-08T22:46:00.001+08:00

was sitting at aunt fiona's place talking to ping, justin and martin (i can finally tell them apart) lol. they told me to get thru the army phase before i think about telling my mom. so lets just wait then.

yar. cny is a time of celebration. time of family fellowship. ushering of the new year. the virtue of giving and receiving. its like the married people give the rest ang paos. to me, its to signify responsibility, a new stage one enters, a greater sense of maturity and to remind us of the principle of 'its better to give then to receive'. signifying that life is gonna be more about giving in than just taking from now on. dont feel its mercenery in any way. i mean like, end of the day, everyone wants money. u need love, intelligence and interity but u also need money and success to impact people. u need it all to be a testimony. thats why God wants us to be rich i guess.

i mean like if i had money. my mom could stop working. my dad could do things that he liked more like cooking rather than slogging it in the office. i could pay for my girlfriends education. i could give my future kids a comfortable life. i could fund cancer research incase my ciggy loving cousin gets into deep shit next time.

today was a day of disappointment. i mean like. its in me to never wanna see people i care about hurt themselves. especially in front of me. and i put on that smile and i tried. but each time i saw her stick it in and blow the smoke out. i just felt so sad. someone i have known like since forever. in this state, it gets me depressed thinking about it. i mean like i dont share that twin bond like shelly. but to a certain extent. u just feel like spiritually connected, cus we shared so much since we were kids, both of u are like the sisters i never had. and its almost as thou the smoke was going into my own lungs. and i snapped cus i felt hurt and angry with myself, cus i could do nothing about it and it knew i could do nothing about it.

there and then, i understood. this trait came from my mom. and my mom treated me like the way i treated manda. so the next time, i hope i ll be more appreciative. because some bonds are made over time, over experiences, over things we do for each other and with each other. everyone i care for belongs to me as much as i belong to them. things they do will not hurt me emotionally or physically, but spiritual beings intertwined, and in words i cant describe, i feel their joy. i feel their pain. so next time u think about doing something to urself with the notion that its my body and its my life. think again.

as for what ping told me about wad aunt julia did to her last time when she was my age. haha. respect man. and if mr matthew is still reading. i m not emo la. its just that coming from that happy go lucky person i used to be. i think i grew up alot. and to a certain extent, not a large one but still a significant extent. i stopped living just for myself but for those around me as well. u can be optimistic, driven and pressing on to ur dreams and visions, but u cant box yourself into a world of ur own and pretend that the things that are happening around u, arent happening.

2008-02-06T13:52:00.000+08:00

work today was interesting. haha. i went in with the thought. chinese new year card done. nothing left to do. i would probably be doing nothing before leaving at 1. true enough. spent 4 hours reading today, reading wiki and playing my ds.

but really interesting stuff. was reading movie news today. so i went into the plotline of minority report which was really cool, bringing out the themes of predetermination vs free will and utopia vs dystopia. den coupled with wad i read from terminator which went on to theories like self fulfilled prophecies. good stuff. den read about the scriptwriters strike, death note and jurassic park 4. but i think time travel really interests me alot. imagine if i could appear in my room to myself on the night of 14 march 2006 and tell myself, "wadever ur thinking of doing tmr, or wadever u could be thinking of doing tmr, dont do it man! not that u ll regret it, but this will come to nothing!" i wonder how my life would have been. but den again, thats the interesting part u see. an example would be

In The Twilight Zone 2002-2003 revival, there is an episode in which the character goes back in time to assassinate Adolf Hitler while he is a baby. She kills the baby (whom she presumes to be actual Adolf Hitler), but the nanny (discovering the death) replaces the baby with a street gypsy's baby, and she presents this baby to the father as his own. The father proceeds to introduce this son to his guests as "Adolf", presumably the Adolf Hitler known to history in the first place.

A predestination paradox, also called either a causal loop, or a causality loop and (less frequently) either a closed loop or closed time loop, is a paradox of time travel that is often used as a convention in science fiction. It exists when a time traveller is caught in a loop of events that "predestines" him or her to travel back in time. Because of the possibility of influencing the past while time travelling, one way of explaining why history does not change is by saying that whatever has happened was meant to happen. A time traveller attempting to alter the past in this model, intentionally or not, would only be fulfilling his role in creating history as we know it, not changing it.

ya man. interesting. but den again. wad would u do if u saw urself in ur own room. i think i ll probably beat myself up or take the bible and start screaming GET OUT OF MY ROOM SATAN! or i would freak out and faint or hid under the blanket start praying or saying dont u come any nearer. lol. it still is a pretty freaky proposition.

adreneline is good. i think my 50 metre dash for the 851 made me feel better. haha. but den again if anyone could know or guess where i was heading. they would probably be wondering why i was stupid enough to chase a 851 when a 16 approaching from behind required no running of any sort.

and this chinese new year. things are gonna change. i really wonder wad to do with the card board jewellery box tho. its prolly 25 percent done so it doesnt look like anything as yet. but effort is such a waste to throw away. ah wells.

i m feeling sad today btw. in case u couldnt tell. helmut asked me why i looked so glum. i said i was tired. wonder if he actually bought it. as far as i know, he went queensway and would have bought shoes. nice to have someone hu appreciates advice from me tho. dont get many nowadays.

2008-02-02T18:53:00.000+08:00

Realize - Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is.
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd er have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

I think this is a really bear your soul kind of song. contrary to the opinion that this song is a happy song. i kinda beg to differ. its sort of carries a different tone from the other song she came up with. bubbly was one that sounded happy and nice. this one kinda goes with my flow, catches my drift when i m feeling sad. its kinda a song for a burdened heart. when ur heart feels heavy. i m having one of those days.

its almost like saying. it could all have been great nice and perfect. maybe not perfect perfect but as close to perfect as it could ever be. Realize (no pun intended) how many times If appears in the song). repitition is like peppered all over. seriously cant be a happy song. sounds like sadness and regret to me. and a deep feeling of helplessness. but a song of someone clinging on to hope. the song sounds like me. cus its exactly wad i m feeling now. that in a relationship. both of us have to go the distance. its really about wad the title says. realizing what ur other half wants, needs, means, is saying. understanding the other persons problems, intentions. but at the same time finding a common balance in between differences, for the sake of affection, love and to find serenity in the relationship.

serenity means alot to me. i wish i was back in new zealand when i was alone one night for a short spell. lying on the grass, watching the stars, feeling the cool air and the nature sounds. true serenity. i ll give anything to relive that moment. but u know what. i ll give even more for days of happiness, days of true purpose, and causes for optimisim once again. cus when u lose innocence and u lose God. things change. but then again u cant find virtue and build character without losing innocence. its time to start finding what u have lost. but if only it was as easy and typing the blog post. but den again difficulties shouldnt stop us from trying.

i could go on and on if not for my dinner call. check back another time i guess. bye.

2008-01-24T20:59:00.000+08:00

hallo. i m a tired man i tell u. but before u say anything. if my gf asked me to go out even if i m dead beat. i ll still do it as long as i can find the excuse to go out.

anyway. works been mixed. abit of fun, sian-ness at the same time. i like the idea that i m learning illustrater and photoshop and sharpening the skills i picked up in jc. but the long hours and the fact the people around me are fricking pro compounded by the fact i take quite long to get things done gets to me once in a while. anyways, its kinda funny. i think it took helmut, ching and ray like 9 days to break their "we ll stop smoking". quite amusing, other than the fact they stink after. i have low tolerance for cigarette smoke smells. haha. apparently, "it was a day of weakness". time will tell. ching is damn patient man. he taught me pathing for today. lol. funny guy. workplace is like much brighter with him around. even thou tzang is also funny too but i dont sit near him so i hear less of his crap.

i shall eat porridge tmr instead of chicken rice or fishball noodles. heh. cant wait for the weekend. oh and i saw pearlyn again today. walao. i said hallo and she jumped. haha. i was like, its broad daylight girl, there are no ghosts around.

oh yar. and o level grades are out. and its like reading that in the papers really makes me more eager to get my own results. its like everytime i think about it, i freak out. i transport myself back to the time where i was in the exam hall doing that econs paper and i transport myself back to the times i didnt study hard enough for econs. just not able to do a damn thing about it. somehow, i know myself. but i m clinging on to the hope that God ll do a miracle and i ll be able to go to smu. even thou i havent been being very good lately. sigh.

thats another issue. and then i freaked myself again. i m gonna feel like i let miss zaleena down if i dont get an A for lit. wad if its a B or much worst. oms. this feeling sucks. ideally, nothing lower than a C except for chinese. i sound like such an ass. but God help me.

2008-01-19T21:14:00.001+08:00

u want post. i give u post. rarr. i feel so stupid. punched the wall out of anger again. now the knuckle is purple. den we get back to being rational. and fcuking bitches are so not worth hurting urself over. moreover. if i destroy this right hand and being right handed. i can say bye bye to my future man. ah wells. at least u got under my skin.

its not a particularly nice feeling u know.

material stuff dont keep a relationship going. but i know u never got together with me cus of that. i know how much money means to u and how little of it u get despite being from a family that lives in a condo, affords a maid and drives a nicer car than my own dad. excuses, fine, u have 2 siblings. ya back to the focus topic here, i would still try my best buy u stuff that u like. just cus i want u to look good, to be happy and not to feel less privileged than other people. i even buy u flowers. and honestly, i m quite a realist. not saying i wont buy flowers for people but to me, i will still find it a waste of money to buy something that wilts after 3 days.

and i hate ur job seriously. when i was not working, it took away 3/4 of the time i could spend with u. fine. suck it up. working life in the future is gonna take away many mondays to fridays anyway. so the least i could do was look u up when i m sure my parents wouldnt be suspicious or when my transport fare could afford. i even tried to take up the job even thou i looked down on it so much. and i got maluated and rejected in favour of a 'female selling touch'. now i m working, i m off on saturdays and sundays. but saturday u have to work. fine. its ok. i came down to meet u. i work too. i havent gotten to that level of weariness but i m tired too. and yet u, wont even do likewise for me tmr.

promises. u said u would change. u said u would have time for me even if u worked. u said u would exercise with me. u said u wouldnt cut yourself. u said alot of things. but non of it came to pass. and mistrust has to be my fault i guess. u said thanks. but within 3 hours, ur arguing with me again, read ur outbox in detail and u ll know how many times i got hurt reading those messages of urs. its almost like being pinned to a corner of the ring and getting ur daylights continously knocked out of u. are u really grateful or are u just saying thanks for the damn sake of it? sorry. to say sorry is easy. to not say sorry is also easy. but to say sorry and mean it is a totally different issue. nevertheless, refer to pastor tans message. den i wonder how much i m treasured. and seriously, to say a sorry and not mean it is as easy as taking off and putting on ur underwear.

and when u load me with all this baggage. i just try my best to suck it up. cus i m really fond of u. and i said once that i ll take the good side and i ll take the bad side too. and i treasure things that dont wilt after 3 days the same way i treasure things that dont wilt after 22 months or 22 years. but i wanna feel loved too. i wanna feel appreciated for the things i have done. i wanna feel treasured like i m a genuine part of ur life. analogy. its like being a part of a sports team. u are the team captain. u are in control. ur work, ur friends, ur free time are all ur players. so u play them on the field alongside u. den me, somehow or rather, u call me the the star player. but u give me a pair of pom poms and u ask me to stay in the stands and cheer. do u even know how reduced i feel. i was really tired. try staring at a computer for 8 hours a day. the second i came home, i dropped dead and slept for 3 hours. and yet, u tell me, this head cheerleader isnt doing enough.

best of all. u compare me to some guy in ur dream. u tell me how good he is and how unsuitable i am. from day 1, u said u wanted the tall and handsome people. u could barely give me a solid reason for liking me. fine. i forget. den next u tell me, u wanna get to know more guys and that hung throughout the entire jc time. thank god for only walter and li nan. fine. i ll suck that up too. den when guys come up and start liking u, first, to spite me or for dunno wad reason, despite my obvious objection, u went out with one of them, nearly got into shit, had a fabulous evening at vivo and i had to pick up the pieces. den came the other guy, and u couldnt even outrightly prove that u would stamp plus chop plus tatoo choose me over him, and u had to get ur fren to reject him for u. maybe u think its a small thing. but to me, its like, ur just gonna let him have opportunities and chances to keep chasing u by obliging him. and the worse part of it all is, u dont even oblige me. and if me and u could start off as frens and if u could be sure of not liking me at first only to like me later, wad makes u think that if u let him get close to u, u wont end up liking him.

and i hate to keep rambling so i shall just sum up. its like first, the things u do make me feel untreasure, unappreciated. u misplace my trust in all the little things i m unsure of whether u can trust u on the long run. all the things i do for u and u seem happier off with a guy in ur dreams. u claim i m integral part of ur life and i m supposed to stand on the sidelines. the need to know guys thing the floats in ur mind drives me even more to the edge. and even thou i have not full but a decent amount of trust in people like shawn russell. but i cant accept the fact u seemed happier and more willing to hang out with him and u would rather spend time and energy after being tired out from work to go out with him till such late hours which u dont even give to me. m i really being over paraniod and suffocating? it takes 2 hands to clap dear. and with all that, i m still sitting here, typing my anger away. wishing u would stop trying to quit and trying to run away. stop trying to spite, stop putting me last and start trying to change. if a country takes care of u and u have to die fighting for the country. great! i m all for it. but if the country gives u shit, ur still fighting for it and when ur nearly dead and they dont give much of a shit and expect u to continue fighting. den its quite a problem. cus u are communicating, by words, by actions, by body language, and this post is a testimony to that. but sadly, that is all i m getting.

2008-01-11T22:00:00.000+08:00

part II of todays blog. btw, i got 1 US dollar in the mail. haha. never touched US currency before, its enough to excite me to annouce it on my blog. its for some survey. lol.

was at my cousins place today. caught 20 to 30 minutes of the channel 8 show. shou zu. sorry if i got the pinyin wrong. my chinese is that lousy. the jessica and alvin couple were fighting. and it just mirrors reality. the guy gets annoyed with the girl. cus the girl is never really there when the guy needs her to be. and the girl has the cheek to throw a tantrum and get angry with the guy for getting angry with her. and guess wad, she made a promise she didnt fulfil too. ah wells. true story told on drama. i empathize. peace out man.

oh. and i discovered a new definition of girlfriend and boyfriend today. so i shall post them before i go.

boyfriend - utter deadwood who is supposedly preoccupied with his own life, UNLESS his girlfriend needs him around, then he has to adhere to his girlfriend's every whim and fancy, including the role of a punching bag, a time passing companion and the list goes on. otherwise, to her, he is just a great deal of annoyance and a time stealing liability. excited about the relationship, only such excitement to become futile. he should not be accommodated, but for once in a blue moon just for him to be pacified and add ground to the common daily argument of 'i did go through the trouble to meet you'.

girlfriend - an extremely wise woman who is ahead of her time in her bid to be financially independent. the 'boss' of a relationship, whatever she says, goes. if it does not, she will engage in emotional blackmail or threats of a break up. day to day, the premature adult feeling of being caught up by corporate life that with all good reason saps away all her energy. energy that is left must be further spend with friends or in her bid to be even more financially independent. the men who are most important in her life are her bosses. stubborn and stingy with SPARE time which is better spent having flab over figure by the means of eating and sleeping. violent refusal to submit or accommodate requests, instructions, ideas or wants of the other half. even if the result is submission, it is done after hours days, weeks or even years of coaxing, arguing and reasoning. happiest when not bothered by the irritating boyfriend, for there comes the freedom to live life to the fullest.

2008-01-11T15:56:00.000+08:00

hallo!

its been a long time. not like many read anyway. haha.

just done scrubbing the floor. my arm hurts i tell u. den again, its my inhouse workout everytime its too hot to go swimming or my dearest partner whos too lazy to come down.

i was blog surfing for a short while. den i sort of got that little insight into the lives of others and i was thinking. other day i was at orchard eating, reluctance to leave my food to the roving birds meant i parked my bum at the table for 45 mins. i saw li si and i saw nasri, but i didnt say hi. on the other hand, i saw loads of other people around over the next few days, i waved said hi, exchanged afew words. met up with zhen hong yesterday. long time bro. went bowling, lunch and xbox at amc. haha. funny how we go through our lives, with near misses, almost meeting people but never. its almost like those trademark drama scenes where two people are on escalators, one going up, one going down, but both facing separate directions. it really takes quite abit for two people to collide. everyone i have met and known in this 18 years plus of existence. it really took quite abit, call it fate, call it luck, call in coincidence, call it wadever. but when i think of those i walk past everyday, those who live their lives with me as an integral part or without me as an integral part, as this world continues to move and revolve regardless. those that i could have but never got to know. i just kinda stop and think, and treasure the relationships and contacts i have. cus imagine how my life would have been, if i didnt meet all of them, or if i didnt meet either one of them.

cheers.

2007-12-19T20:18:00.000+08:00

heyhey! lol. i admit my last post the result of an emo moment.

but the last 2 and a half days have been great. heh.

monday 17 dec 2007
went for dinner with my aunt and uncle. with my cousins wei wen and wei shan. we went to the tavern. its a restaurant went good ambiance man! all u bfs reading this blog, u have to bring ur gfs there one day! its among the stretch of shops next to shell house at river valley road! man the food was super!! first was the barley veggie soup, den it was the black pepper steak. i had a bite of the baby lamb and pork chop with apple sauce and oms!! its heavenly!! dessert was the best!! CHERRY JUBILEE AND CREPE DE SOUZA! i dunno if i spelt the latter correctly but oms! the food was so good! went to my cousins place later. haha. fiddled with their PSP and DS. i think i have made my choice! for old timers and my childhood sake, DS!!

tuesday 18 dec 2007
that was the best day! spent half the day with baby! met her at 10am. heh. watched alvin and the chipmunks at bugis! lol. they are so cute la! haha. i have never adored animated characters like this before. other than rex from toy story. lol. it was a movie made good by the 3 crooning chipmunks cus of their crazy antics and pure cuteness. heh. went to nyny after that. THANKS FOR THE LUNCH BABY!! walked around citylink and suntec taking loads of pics after that. heh. i think i know wad i wanna get u for christmas already!! heh. got home at about 5pm. took a nap. parents brought me to long beach for dinner after that. haha. awesome stuff!! one entire black pepper crab to myself!! woots!!

anyways. wanna thank the following people for wishing me, in no particular order!!

baby dear
manda
shelly
pamela
reagan
sarah
kah shing
wenhui
wendy
marcus
matthew

and my memory is running alittle short. heh. so if i didnt add u. thousand apologies!!

wednesday 19 dec 2007

went swimming in the morning! haha. good workout! met shelly for lunch at subway. after which we met reagan for tea at nydc. haha. totally piggish. shared this majorly sinful icecream chocolate cakelike thingy with shelly! then i ate the 3 amigoes all by myself. omgosh. super sinful! haha. stupid manda ps-ed us. to be honest i was quite pissed. but no matter. if u think we are uncool, and u love passive smoking which i totally detest. and u totally embrace the thought of lung cancer. den by all means, ps us the next time and all the times after. we had a great time without u. that aside. even thou my legs are tired after following reagan around while he was shopping. it was a nevertheless enjoyable day. heh. had a pit stop at cd rama. they look super budget now. lol. and the cds are more ex. must be both a mix of cosh push and demand pull inflation. lol.

okie. off to dinner! tas!

2007-12-17T16:11:00.000+08:00

i realised today. theres a thin line between serenity and loneliness. loneliness is a feeling of two sorts. one of being by yourself. or just feeling that way even if ur in a big group of friends. for me, its a juxtaposition of both.

its like today, i went to collect the ball my left foot knocked down from the tennis court to the area below the design studio. and my weary legs were taking a long time to get me back up to the tennis courts. and just in a single minute. i saw the birds and the freshness of the plants around me, the quietness in the school and the nostalgia of the murals we did that were at the art rooms when i was sec 1. just felt a sense of peace and serene feeling. and its like in the next few seconds. i suddenly felt like one caught in the past, abandoned in a place of the old. with no one. and this feeling or lethargy and sian-ness sat in. almost depressing.

and so i dropped the ball, watched it roll. and i kinda thought, arent we all somewhat like balls. we roll as far as momentum takes us. subjected to circumstances and situations, like how someone kicks the ball around. we rebound off walls, rough surfaces, smooth surfaces, drenched in the rain, made dirty by drains and mud. at that moment, i just felt, man, life really stinks, the way we just run into things, the way things can just meet and separate. why do i feel like a empty entity. like some ghost floating through life. in control yet never really in control.

and praise God cus Hes there. but today. i was thinking, wad if everyone u knew was busy all at once. wad if no one had time for u. wad if the people u were closest to abandoned u. wad if others hu made time for u. but u feel like such an ungrateful bastard cus u feel obliged to spend time with them. some related by blood, brought u into the world, whom u are truly in debt to but never really felt a connection with. and at that point in time today. i felt really really lonely. and i sat there thinking of the proposition of turning 18 in less than 24 hours. i kinda dreaded its coming, cus somehow, it feels like a extended version of my one minute prelude. and maybe i partially understood why people become so mundane but do nothing about it later on in life.

2007-12-11T00:56:00.000+08:00

i think matthew perry is kinda funny. my mom was being pmsy again. kinda annoys me. she nearly started an arguement with me over the fact that the tv was too loud despite the fact i already lowered the volume. yup. if thats not pmsy, i dunno wad is. sometimes i like the quiet house to myself man. i always see my wife as a tv junkie at worst or someone reading a book or doing something artistic. she better not be some screaming banshee at the kids man. haha. hint hint.

man i miss by dearie. heh. at least shes coming back tmr.

anyway. i got this sudden enthusiasim to do something. haha. so i hope reagan replies my sms fast enough before it fizzes off.

today was pretty mundane till reagan called me out. i think as of today, i have finished all the hot dogs in the fridge. which means i have no more substitute lunches and i have to go to the market. sian. haha.

and my throat isnt feeling too good. phlegmy feeling. i did take honey. even tho i took toast too. lol. i glazed my hot dogs with honey today. didnt make much of a diff. couldnt taste the sweetness as all. haha. bummer.

oh. and back to reagan. heh. went to great world city to walk walk. nothing much. i think skin has some nice stuff. but not up to my taste and totally over any budget i ll ever have till i get a full time job. haha. some look like shirts for russian mafia bosses. had tea at toastbox. i always thought it was silly to put something out on the menu but have it not available still. loads of nice jackets. haha. i shall save up before getting one. wanna learn to appreciate those jackets. i mean like they give casual a semi formal feel. and i still want that black jeans from topman. haha. oh yes. free advertisement. theres a subway at b2 in great world city. i didnt even know that till today. lol.

and i m feeling really heaty man. and i feel so annoyed with myself. i havent worked out for 4 days.

2007-12-09T02:19:00.000+08:00

buggers. stupid ref. 3 penalties not given. the given penalty was not a penalty. stupid crossbar. 1 inch too high and 1 inch too left. rarr!

anyways. its been a long week. heh. i dont mean like sian, i mean eventful. its like last saturday seemed like a long time ago. anyway. stupid liverpool is losing and dont look like their gonna turn the match around. this feels like the bolton game we had last year. refs being a major bitch. good chances arent going in. yups.

came back from class chalet at bout 230pm. it was great! heh. thursday morning. went to jurong east platform. met cp followed by zhihao and simin. the rest were late. lol. reached the chalet, dinner at subway. initially, i thought the rain would threaten our cycling trip but the weather held on for us. haha. first time night cycling for me. first time cycling in 2 years. the fact i took sometime to find my composure was compounded by further rustiness. haha. amazingly i lasted without a single fall, even thou i did get a few bumps. heh. anyways. we cycled to geylang. had beancurd and durian. saw police cars and ... haha. eye opening experience. rocks. i think its the first time in a long time i consumed this much durian. i m feeling it in my throat now. haha. had a slow ride home. managed to beat the rain. ohh and we bathed as this toilet with really warm water. super nicee! it was daylight not long after.

everyone was sleeping and slacking before they had a mass gambling session while i was sticking a salonpas on my aching butt. hahahhaa. went off with zhihao to have lunch at the food centre. indian rojak, starfruit juice and roti john. heh. rojak at cck still tastes better. dinner was at jumbo! pepper crab!!! woots!!! went back afterward. jiaqi came along. heh. the rest were having mass mahjong! me,shaun, jiaqi and zhihao started off with daidi followed by bluff. haha. it was super entertaining. cus huever hu ended taking the stack would find cards that totally didnt match wad was previously announced. haha. den it got even funnier when all the silly antics came in, like someone would collect the whole stack or when someone crumbled when he was about to bluff. angela woke up and we played asshole daida with her and her bf. lol. super funny. after that we switched to 41 and this new game called shithole. haha. of course i know how to play 41. i have been watching everyone else play it for like a million years. always thought it was interesting. just didnt wanna gamble. we were finally sian of playing cards at like 5am. me and shaun had a psp session before sleeping. lol.

woke up at like 10 plus, packed up, returned the bikes den headed to tiong for lunch. haha. how majorly accomodating! i think kfc busted my throat thou. slept till dinner time.

anyways. i had a really enjoyable time. heh. at one point they were so bad. haha. they made it sound like i went for the chalet only cus my dearie went malaysia. den darrell also kenna. lol. quote of the day. "because of you all, i pangseh diana for 3 days" at the end of the day, the other half comes first, but friends are just as important, and we should never forget that. i guess i finally enjoyed a glimpse of wad i missed out throughout the year. i mean like, i dont really take to the gambling, its just not in me, christian or not. haha. and they are overly loud sometimes. but i guess the laughter, the fun, the pure whackiness and experiences override everything else and at the end of the day, i still regret not spending more time appreciating this class of mine.

and talking about baby. oms. i miss her so much. but at least she went to malaysia. cus if i left her alone for 3 days, i would feel so bad even thou i would have went anyway. haha. baby!! come back really soon k. i ll buy u a flower. lol.

oh. and one more thing. i was watching this movie on channel 5 just now, it was so good, i hecked the first 16 mins of my liverpool match for it and looking at the final score, i so wish the movie started 90 minutes later. reading this sentence alone and u ll know u have to watch it. the movie is called white oleander. its about parenthood, the hard knocks of life, identity, maturing, growing up, artistry and reflection.

lame joke: there was a coffeshop uncle who was brought to a bar. after enquiring with the waiter. he order a drink. guess was he ordered?

her ordered teh-quila. hahahahahahaha!

and i should sleep now. its like for the last 4 days plus, havent slept at all at night. so i shall make up for it now. haha. tata!

2007-12-05T18:59:00.000+08:00

hallo!

went to snoop around last night before prom. took a photo with yvonne and some of my classmates. there were some simple, classy looking people. and there were the disasters man. lol. i shall not elaborate. maybe the school mag shud do a hits and misses thing for prom. haha.

anyways. went with baby to bugis to catch the hitman. lol. ok that sounds funny. cus he did manage to evade capture in the end. and if i went to catch the hitman. i probably wouldnt be here typing this post. ok. i went with baby to bugis to catch back to back movies, the hitman which is really good (not because theres a nude scene) and enchanted which is pretty funny but overloaded with quite a cheesy storyline. the dragon is idiotic thou and the old lady reminds us why we shud never ever smoke. haha.

journeyed down to clarke quay to meet huijeen and jiayong. heh. first time i went on an outing with julie's fren and her fren's bf. quite fun la. we went to the areana for the post prom party. me and baby had a bloody mary and a margirita. The bloody mary was nice man, had this salsa and spicy like taste. funny that julie thinks it tastes gross. haha. den i had a vodka with orange juice. nice nice. and a tequila with 7up which was like freaking strong. gross. anyway. first time i ve been clubbing, even thou its somewhat diluted cus its all students, which is a good thing. haha. clubbings ok la. quite fun. good to lose weight. but still overrated and not a daily nor weekly affair for me.

ended up taking more pics this time with my council mates. i must comment that huimei looks really good in her prom wear. stark contrast to school uniform. the wonders of make up and hairdressers. haha. before we decided we got sian of dancing and the loud music, so baby and me went to play bridge outside with huijeen and jiayong. it was quite fun. hahaha. den there was this brit or aussie with a funny accent hu sat behind us and gave live commentary of our card game. he was like 'Good Shot! Goot Shot!' 'Good call gurl! Good call!' 'Awe, clubs, ya guys have no chance,- guy luffs in a funny way-haha' so amusing. lol.

at 430, all the drunk people were like coming out, there was this guy hu was a goner man. haha. he just lay flat on the floor and there was another hu was so high he was swearing and trying to climb a tree. haha. madness. den there were the puking fellas too. so we left, went to liang court macs. say richard, zhihao, martin and xinhao there. the people behind were still high i guess. there made so mucn noise.

after that we went to the singapore river to sit and wait for the mrt to open. heh. such a nice cool surrounding and the breeze. it was nice. relaxing. dearest was lying on my lap. haha. looks so cute when shes sleeping. sent her to jurong after that before coming home.

after 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of stoning. i think i m ready to rumble. haha.

'psuedo' prom was a blast! and i love my baby! haha.